Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
  • Author
  • Anonymous
      Post count: 93172

      Sign on an electrician’s truck: “Let Us Remove Your Shorts.”

      Sign in a realtor’s office:
      “Lots for little.”

      Sign in a shoe store:
      “Come in and have a fit.”

      Sign in a maternity clothes store:
      “We are open on labor day.”

      Sign in a non-smoking area:
      “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
      and take appropriate action.”

      Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
      “Push Push Push.”

      Sign at entrance of the IRS:
      “Watch your step.”

      Sign at the exit of the IRS:
      “Watch your mouth.”

      Sign in a bookstore:
      “We treat you write.”

      Sign on a front door:
      “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

      Sign in an optometrist’s office:
      “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to
      the right place.”

      Sign on a scientist’s door:
      “Gone fission.”

      Sign in a taxidermist’s window:
      “We really know our stuff.”

      Sign in a podiatrist’s window:
      “Time wounds all heels.”

      Sign in a butcher’s window:
      “Let me meat your needs.”

      Sign on used car lot:
      “Second hand cars in first crash condition.”

      Sign on fence:
      “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

      Sign in a car dealership office:
      “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

      Sign over a cannibal’s hut:
      “I never met a man I didn’t like.”

      Sign in a muffler shop:
      “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

      Sign at a hotel.
      “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

      Sign in a science teacher’s room:
      “If it moves, it’s biology.
      If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
      If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.”

      Sign in butchers window:
      “Pleased to meat you.”

      Sign on auto body shop:
      “May we have the next dents?”

      Sign at the dry cleaner’s window:
      “Drop your pants here.”

      Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery:
      “Reserved for plant manager.”

      Sign in a veterinary’s waiting room:
      “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

      Sign on music teachers’ door:
      “Out Chopin.”

      Sign at the electic company:
      “We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
      However, if you don’t, you will be.”

      Sign in beauty shop window:
      “Dye now!”

      Sign on a garbage truck:
      “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”

      Sign at a computer store:
      “Out for a quick byte.”

      Have a good day!

        Post count: 93172


        An ad on the subway in NYC:
        “Learn to read and speak English.
        Call us now.”

        An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist:
        “Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.”

        Sign over a restroom in a restaurant:
        “Used beer department.”

        Comparative customs:

        In front of flat in London:
        “It is unlawfull to allow your pets to foul
        the footways by depositing excrement thereon.”

        In New York:
        “Curb your dog.”

        On a store front in Florida:
        “Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor.
        Drive through open 24 hours!”

        A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey:
        “Smile, You’re on Radar!”

        In a bathroom stall at a college athletic facility:
        “Please place tampons and sanitary napkins in trash
        recepticle. Do not flush down stool.”

        Seen in a State Park in California:

        “Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope)
        Check the Rock.
        If it’s wet, it’s raining.
        If it’s moving, it’s windy.
        If you can’t see it, it’s foggy.
        If rock is gone, it’s a tornado.”

          Post count: 93172

          Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
          Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
          The girl said she was.
          A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
          Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?”
          The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman
          Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”
          “Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

          Have a great day!

            Post count: 93172

            A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

            His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

            When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

            Have a great day!


              Post count: 93172

              “This Bull Reproduced…”
              This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
              The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
              The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments,
              “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”
              The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
              Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some
              10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”
              Her husband is getting really annoyed with this
              The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary
              specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
              The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
              “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about
              The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back,
              “Sure, once a day!……. But ask the auctioneer if
              they were all with the same cow!!!”

              Have a great day!

                Post count: 93172

                ROTFL LOL! That poor man must had sore ribs. The same cow heh! heh!

                  Post count: 93172

                  ROFL!!! Too funny, Miss Dee!!!

                  Have a great day!

                    Post count: 93172

                    Dental Negotiation

                    One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
                    “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
                    “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
                    “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”
                    “That’s still too expensive,” the man says.
                    “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”
                    “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”
                    “Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”
                    “Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday !”

                    Have a great day!

                      Post count: 93172

                      THE COLONEL’S ORDER
                      “Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.”
                      “By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.”
                      “By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”
                      LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
                      “Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley’s comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.”
                      SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
                      “When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”

                      Remember, a chuckle or two a day keeps the doctor away!

                        Post count: 93172

                        Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to
                        become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the
                        teenager over to the weight-lifting department. “Please,
                        Dad,” wheedled the boy, “I promise I’ll use ’em every day…”
                        “I dunno, Michael. It’s really a commitment on your part,”
                        the father pointed out.
                        “Please, Dad?”
                        “They’re not cheap either.”
                        “I’ll use ’em Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”
                        Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and
                        headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard
                        his son yelp, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the

                        Have a great day!

                          Post count: 93172

                          The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a
                          party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he
                          went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door.
                          He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, “Come in.”

                          Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest german shepard
                          he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man
                          against the wall. The mail man shouted, “Lady, call off you dog before he eats
                          me alive.” The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from
                          the next room saying, “Come in.”

                          Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door
                          way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty,
                          except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was
                          becoming quite irate and said to the parrot,
                          “Darn you, don’t you know any words besides ‘come in’ ?”
                          Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, Sic him!!!”

                          Have a great day!

                            Post count: 93172

                            You know your in trouble when….
                            … Your accountants letter of resignation is
                            postmarked Zurich.
                            … You have to hitch hike to the bank to make
                            your car payment.
                            … The little league puts you on waivers.
                            … Your suggestion box starts ticking.
                            … Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the
                            DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
                            … You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
                            … You see the captain running toward the railing
                            wearing a life jacket.
                            … They pay your wages out of petty cash.
                            … The moths in your money belt starve to death.
                            … You make more than you ever made, owe more
                            than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve
                            ever had.
                            … You tell the barber what you think about his prices
                            before you get your haircut.
                            … Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of
                            the vacation budget.
                            … The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
                            … People send your wife sympathy cards on your
                            … Your wife starts charging you rent.
                            … A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
                            … You take an assertiveness training course and
                            you’re afraid to tell your wife.
                            … You see your wife and your girlfriend having
                            lunch together.
                            … The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
                            … Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

                            … There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two
                            zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor
                            is building an arc.
                            … The candles on your cake set off your smoke
                            … The pest exterminator crawls under your house
                            and never comes out.
                            … A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail
                            marked null and void.

                              Post count: 93172

                              Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families

                              14. “Finish your lima beans or you’re not getting any heroin for dessert!”

                              13. “If you don’t stop that this instant, I’ll have Grandma perform another
                              striptease for you.”

                              12. “If this plexiglass wasn’t between us, I’d wash your mouth out with soap,
                              young man.”

                              11. “Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!”

                              10. “Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain’t goin’ to the prom with

                              9. “Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won’t love you anymore.”

                              8. “Lyle, Erik — either behave, or go to your suites!”

                              7. “If you don’t eat your peas, Chelsea, I’ll make you stay at the Gingrich’s

                              6. “Don’t make me put you back in the womb!”

                              5. “As long as you live under this roof, you’re *going* to wear that dress,
                              young man!”

                              4. “You just wait til your father gets paroled!”

                              3. “Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.”

                              2. “Young lady, don’t make me send you to the Citadel!”

                              and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families…

                              1. “All right, Little Mister, no more time in the
                              sheep pen for you!”

                            Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
                            • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.