[Anonymous September 29, 1998 at 1:53 pm Post count: 93172]

#1049812

Sign on an electrician’s truck: “Let Us Remove Your Shorts.”

Sign in a realtor’s office:
“Lots for little.”

Sign in a shoe store:
“Come in and have a fit.”

Sign in a maternity clothes store:
“We are open on labor day.”

Sign in a non-smoking area:
“If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.”

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
“Push Push Push.”

Sign at entrance of the IRS:
“Watch your step.”

Sign at the exit of the IRS:
“Watch your mouth.”

Sign in a bookstore:
“We treat you write.”

Sign on a front door:
“Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

Sign in an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to
the right place.”

Sign on a scientist’s door:
“Gone fission.”

Sign in a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

Sign in a podiatrist’s window:
“Time wounds all heels.”

Sign in a butcher’s window:
“Let me meat your needs.”

Sign on used car lot:
“Second hand cars in first crash condition.”

Sign on fence:
“Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

Sign in a car dealership office:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Sign over a cannibal’s hut:
“I never met a man I didn’t like.”

Sign in a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Sign at a hotel.
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

Sign in a science teacher’s room:
“If it moves, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.”

Sign in butchers window:
“Pleased to meat you.”

Sign on auto body shop:
“May we have the next dents?”

Sign at the dry cleaner’s window:
“Drop your pants here.”

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery:
“Reserved for plant manager.”

Sign in a veterinary’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Sign on music teachers’ door:
“Out Chopin.”

Sign at the electic company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”

Sign in beauty shop window:
“Dye now!”

Sign on a garbage truck:
“We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”

Sign at a computer store:
“Out for a quick byte.”

Have a good day!
Dee

[Anonymous October 6, 1998 at 8:35 am Post count: 93172]

#1147839

FUNNY SIGNS
==================================================

An ad on the subway in NYC:
“Learn to read and speak English.
Call us now.”

********
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist:
“Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.”

********
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant:
“Used beer department.”

********
Comparative customs:

In front of flat in London:
“It is unlawfull to allow your pets to foul
the footways by depositing excrement thereon.”

In New York:
“Curb your dog.”

********
On a store front in Florida:
“Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor.
Drive through open 24 hours!”

********
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey:
“Smile, You’re on Radar!”

********
In a bathroom stall at a college athletic facility:
“Please place tampons and sanitary napkins in trash
recepticle. Do not flush down stool.”

********
Seen in a State Park in California:

“Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope)
Check the Rock.
If it’s wet, it’s raining.
If it’s moving, it’s windy.
If you can’t see it, it’s foggy.
If rock is gone, it’s a tornado.”

[Anonymous November 17, 1998 at 6:30 am Post count: 93172]

#1147840

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?”
The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman
suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”
“Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous November 24, 1998 at 9:50 am Post count: 93172]

#1147841

---

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

Have a great day!

Dee

[Anonymous December 1, 1998 at 7:10 am Post count: 93172]

#1147842

“This Bull Reproduced…”
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments,
“See! That was more than 5 times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some
10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this
comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary
specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
“That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about
YOU?!”
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back,
“Sure, once a day!……. But ask the auctioneer if
they were all with the same cow!!!”

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous December 1, 1998 at 7:32 am Post count: 93172]

#1147843

ROTFL LOL! That poor man must had sore ribs. The same cow heh! heh!

[Anonymous December 1, 1998 at 9:46 am Post count: 93172]

#1147844

ROFL!!! Too funny, Miss Dee!!!

Have a great day!
JAN

[Anonymous December 29, 1998 at 8:44 am Post count: 93172]

#1147845

Dental Negotiation

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”
“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.
“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”
“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”
“Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday !”

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous January 5, 1999 at 6:10 am Post count: 93172]

#1147846

THE COLONEL’S ORDER
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
“Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.”
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.”
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
“By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
“Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley’s comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.”
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
“When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”

Remember, a chuckle or two a day keeps the doctor away!
Dee

[Anonymous January 12, 1999 at 6:22 am Post count: 93172]

#1147847

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to
become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the
teenager over to the weight-lifting department. “Please,
Dad,” wheedled the boy, “I promise I’ll use ’em every day…”
“I dunno, Michael. It’s really a commitment on your part,”
the father pointed out.
“Please, Dad?”
“They’re not cheap either.”
“I’ll use ’em Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and
headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard
his son yelp, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the
car?”

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous January 19, 1999 at 9:04 am Post count: 93172]

#1147848

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a
party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he
went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door.
He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, “Come in.”

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest german shepard
he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man
against the wall. The mail man shouted, “Lady, call off you dog before he eats
me alive.” The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from
the next room saying, “Come in.”

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door
way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty,
except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was
becoming quite irate and said to the parrot,
“Darn you, don’t you know any words besides ‘come in’ ?”
Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, Sic him!!!”

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous February 2, 1999 at 5:57 am Post count: 93172]

#1147849

You know your in trouble when….
… Your accountants letter of resignation is
postmarked Zurich.
… You have to hitch hike to the bank to make
your car payment.
… The little league puts you on waivers.
… Your suggestion box starts ticking.
… Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the
DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
… You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
… You see the captain running toward the railing
wearing a life jacket.
… They pay your wages out of petty cash.
… The moths in your money belt starve to death.
… You make more than you ever made, owe more
than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve
ever had.
… You tell the barber what you think about his prices
before you get your haircut.
… Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of
the vacation budget.
… The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
… People send your wife sympathy cards on your
anniversary.
… Your wife starts charging you rent.
… A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
… You take an assertiveness training course and
you’re afraid to tell your wife.
… You see your wife and your girlfriend having
lunch together.
… The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
… Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

… There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two
zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor
is building an arc.
… The candles on your cake set off your smoke
alarm.
… The pest exterminator crawls under your house
and never comes out.
… A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail
marked null and void.

[Anonymous February 9, 1999 at 9:38 am Post count: 93172]

#1147850

Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families

14. “Finish your lima beans or you’re not getting any heroin for dessert!”

13. “If you don’t stop that this instant, I’ll have Grandma perform another
striptease for you.”

12. “If this plexiglass wasn’t between us, I’d wash your mouth out with soap,
young man.”

11. “Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!”

10. “Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain’t goin’ to the prom with
ya!”

9. “Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won’t love you anymore.”

8. “Lyle, Erik — either behave, or go to your suites!”

7. “If you don’t eat your peas, Chelsea, I’ll make you stay at the Gingrich’s
house!”

6. “Don’t make me put you back in the womb!”

5. “As long as you live under this roof, you’re *going* to wear that dress,
young man!”

4. “You just wait til your father gets paroled!”

3. “Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.”

2. “Young lady, don’t make me send you to the Citadel!”

and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families…

1. “All right, Little Mister, no more time in the
sheep pen for you!”

[Author]

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