[Kimberly]

#1063062

Hello – I’m so sorry to hear about your issues with your husband. I am hoping that you will hear back from spouses and families who have been impacted by Graves’ Disease. I am actually single, which in a weird way was a good thing when I was diagnosed. If I could make it through the workday (which was a challenge), then nobody else had to deal with my moods. ” title=”Wink” />

I think you have taken a positive step by all your efforts to educate yourself about Graves’ Disease. As you have discovered through your research, having our thyroid levels out of balance absolutely affects our emotional state. We often refer to having “Graves’ Rage” – a sense of anger and frustration that usually has NO logical basis. This absolutely puts a strain on marriages and relationships. Unfortunately, we hear this story all too often. Getting one’s thyroid levels back in balance – and going through the healing process – absolutely makes a difference.

Again, hopefully, you will get some additional responses, but in the meantime, is there a friend, family member, church official, etc. who might be willing to help you and your husband through this situation?

Please keep us posted on how things are going.

[pttrout]

#1018168

I am new to this board, but I have already learned a lot from the posts. My husband is 40 years old, we have two children (7 and 5 years old) and we have been married for 11.5 years. My husband and I began having problems in the early 2009. We have never fought a lot, but we started having more arguments and having a harder time resolving them. Eventually, he completely shut down on me and refused to even have a conversation. He refused to hug me, kiss me, or stay in the same bedroom with me. I pleaded with him to talk with me, but every time I tried to talk with him, he basically told me to get out of his face because he "wasn’t there yet." I asked that we separate towards the end of that year, not because I wanted a divorce, but because I wanted him to start dealing with the issues and I couldn’t bear the coldness he was showing towards me. Knowing what I know now, I wish I had not done that. We were just beginning to figure out that there was something wrong with him medically, but it took him a while to get tested, diagnosed and treated. It wasn’t until after we separated that he was diagnosed with Grave’s disease. In the midst of being diagnosed and treated (first medication, then RAI this past summer), he left me a "note" on the stairs in April 2010 saying that we should start looking into the divorce process – no conversation, no counseling, nothing. Since then, I have done some research on Graves’ disease and learned about how it affects patients’ emotional and mental health and causes havoc in relationships. I shared the Graves’ Disease Resource Page and posts from this site over email, and I recently gave him a copy of Arem’s book The Thyroid Solution. This information has convinced me that his condition is the cause of our marital problems; however, he still refuses to talk with me and never responds to anything that I share with him. (In fact, he called the police on my when I tried to talk with him a couple of weeks ago. While waiting for the police, I asked him to forgive me for the way I acted when I asked that we separate as I didn’t understand Graves’ disease. I left before the police got there.) The one thing he has said was how he feels that I have robbed him of his self-esteem and self-worth, and that I have been mentally abusive during the last 10 years of marriage. If that were the case, wouldn’t he have said something sooner? I know I am far from perfect, but I have actually had people tell me that I’m the nicest person they know. He has also started dating a 25 year old employee of his and spends time with her while he is with our children. Does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do to get through to him? I have no idea what his thyroid levels are or how often he is tested as he does not share that information with me. I have thought about contacting his doctor, but we are with Kaiser, and they are very restrictive about who can contact the physicians. I don’t want to give up on him, but I also can’t force him to do anything. I don’t even know if he has read any of the information I’ve given him and he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that Graves’ has anything to do with our issues. Apparently, it’s all my fault. Do I sound off-base, or does this resonate with anyone? Thanks in advance for your input!

[snelsen]

#1063063

You do NOT sound off base, and I hope I am not off base with my response. These posts are supposed to represent our own personal experiences, so here goes. This is tough. I am sure you might get more posts about Graves’, and Kimberly’s has good suggestions. BUT. Your husband is 40, and seeing a 25 year old. This is a typical story of my generation, when in the late 70’s, (76-79) it seemed like all my friends’ husband were more distant (we were all in the mid forties range>) They got all weird, had affairs at the office, at the hospital (in my case) and it seemed to be rampant. In most cases, with a lot of therapy and a lot of forgiveness, the marriages stayed intact. All I have said has nothing to do with Graves’ directly. But it might be relevant, and making the whole thing worse.

It sounds like you are trying very hard, doing all the right things. My thought is that he is being very typical of someone who is projecting on you to justify his behavior. I am wondering if he is still hyper, and I know you have no way of knowing that, since you have no access to his medical records. I say that because his behavior, especially calling the police, suggests that he might still be exhibiting the crazy hyper behavior of Graves’.

Reflecting Kimberly’s advice again, is there ANY way you can find a good therapist, and convince him, under any kind of reason, the children, anything, and get him engaged in this? As I say this, I realize that at this time he is resistant to this.
I am so darn sorry about this.

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