AnonymousOctober 28, 1998 at 2:09 pmPost count: 93172
The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students,
all the while saying, “. . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver,and this
is the kidney, and this is . . .”
“What the heck is the professor doing?” asked a student.
“Shh! He’s giving an organ recital.”
You heard about the little mouse who looked up, saw a bat,
and thought it was his fairy godmother?
Bloodshed – where the Red Cross keeps the plasma
Blood Vessel – That’s how it gets overseas
Cemetary – bone zone.
Headline: Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetary will be done by skeleton crews.
Epitaph on tombstone of old maid: You can take it with you.
Two old guys watching a funeral cortege:
Guy 1: “Who died?”
Guy 2: “I’m not sure but I think it’s the guy in the first car.”
Guy 1: “Why are you putting a wreath on that fuse box?”
Guy 2: “My brother got the electric chair one year ago today.”
A kid stole a sign from a nursery and stuck it in front of a funeral parlor.
It read: LET US DO YOUR PLANTING FOR YOU.
Undertaker – the last guy to let you down.
Jack the Ripper’s mother said to Jack,
“How come you never go out with the same girl twice?”
The deceased’s family couldn’t afford a stone, so they just left his head out.
A man has his wife cremated and as he watches the smoke come out, he says,
“That’s the first time I ever saw her hot.”
Man: “Doctor, I have a bad time every night.
As I look out my bedroom window, I see the ghosts
of my ancestors sitting on top of the fence posts.
They sit there staring and howling. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Sharpen the tops of the fence posts.”
A ghost floats up to the bartender : “Do you serve spirits in here?”
Mummy – an Egyptian pressed for time.
Undertaker – the last man to box John L. Sullivan.
Sign on electric chair: “You can be sure if it’s Westinghouse.”
Cannibal 1: “Boy, your wife makes good soup.”
Cannibal 2: “Yeah, I’m sure gonna miss her.”
This poor shipwrecked sailor was captured by the cannibals
and tied to the stake in the village square. Instead of boiling
him in a big pot, the cannibals merely left him standing there, helpless.
Each day some of the natives would come by, plunge a dagger in his arm,
and sip his blood. Finally the victim summoned the king of the cannibals;
“Look, you can kill me and eat me if you want, you can torture me
if you like . . . but I’m sick and tired of getting stuck for the drinks.”
A cannibal returns home and tells his wife, “I just brought home an old friend for dinner.”
The wife say, “Good. put him in the freezer. We’ll have him next week.”
The head cannibal comes home and asks his wife, “What’s for dinner?”
The wife says, “We’re having two old maids.”
He says, “Darn! Leftovers again!”
There was a crooked crematorium owner who sold ashes to cannibals as instant people.
There was a cannibal who went to a shrink because he was fed up with people,
A cannibal came home late one night and his wife gave him a cold shoulder.
Two cannibals are talking. One says, “Did you see the dentist today?”
The other said, “Yeah, he filled my teeth at dinnertime.”
Steward on cruise ship: “Would you like to see the dinner menu sir?”
Cannibal: “No, just the passenger list.”
Mother Cannibal: “How many times do I have to tell you not to talk with someone in your mouth?”
Here lies the body of Susan Proctor,
She died before they could get a doctor
Here lies the body of Sally Lonn,
Her motor stopped but Sal went on
Here lies the body of Hattie Howe,
She lied in life, she’s lying now
Here lies the body of Johnny Ray,
Who died maintaining his right of way;
He was right, dead right, as he sped along;
But he’s just as dead as if he’d been dead wrong
Here lies the body of Bobby Bains,
The road was slick, he had no chains
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.
How can a monster count to thirty-one?
He takes his shoes off.
Three vampires come into a bar and order. Two ask for a glass of blood.
The third asks for a cup of plasma. The waiter calls to the bartender,
“Two bloods and a blood lite.”
First Monster: “Have an accident?”
Second Monster: “No thanks, I just had one.”
What does a boy monster call a girl monster with four green heads,
brown fur, and eight clubfeet?
There was a vampire who became a vegetarian but couldn’t make it work.
He keep trying to get blood out of a turnip.
Guy1: How did you know that guy over there was Quasimodo?
Guy2: I had a hunch.
The two-headed man at the circus wanted a pay increase.
After all, he had two mouths to feed.
The Martian kid complained to his mother, “Finish making my sandwich.
I’ll be late for school.” The Martian mother said, “Don’t rush me.
I only have four hands.”
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