[Anonymous August 28, 1998 at 12:43 pm Post count: 93172]

#1049934

You know you are addicted to the Internet when…

You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never
had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it
again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s
got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape
2.01or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP…because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy
another computer and install a second phone line so the two of
you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Anyone guilty of any of these;)

Have a good day and weekend!

[Anonymous July 23, 1999 at 9:50 am Post count: 93172]

#1148129

~~TOP 10 WORDS THAT DON’T EXIST… BUT SHOULD…~~

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open
here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the “illegal” side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

---

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She says, “You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

[Author]

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