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      Post count: 93172

      LOL That was great. Perked up my morning

        Post count: 93172

        Three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found
        out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they
        have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.
        He says, “I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to
        intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
        God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives
        his last words. “I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal
        power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” The switch is thrown and again
        nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy’s side, so they let him go. The last one
        is strapped in and say’s “Well, I’m a fighting Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I’ll tell you
        right now you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t
        connect those two wires.”

        Have a good weekend!


          Post count: 93172

          A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
          “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
          The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.

          Have a great weekend!


            Post count: 93172

            The twin 10-year-olds were exactly opposite: Bill was a die-hard
            optimist and Bob a hopeless pessimist.

            The mom asked the doctor what to do about Christmas. The
            doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob, and get
            Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up
            some manure for Bill.

            Christmas morning Mom came downstairs and found the twins by the
            tree. She asked Bob what Santa had brought him.
            “A B.B. gun, but I’ll probably hit someone in the eye and blind him.
            And a bicycle, but I’ll probably get run over and killed while
            riding it. And an electric train, but I’ll probably electrocute
            myself,” said Bob.

            Realizing it wasn’t going very well, the mom turned to Bill and
            asked what he got. “I’m not sure!!” he replied, “I think I got a
            pony, but I haven’t been able to find him yet!!”

            Have a great day and weekend !! @

              Post count: 93172

              DIETER’S CHRISTMAS

              ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
              were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
              Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
              in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

              While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
              had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
              When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
              I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

              Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
              tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
              The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
              sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

              When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
              a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
              That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
              I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

              The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
              I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
              On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
              a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

              From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
              now dash away pounds now dash away all.
              Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
              my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

              My droll little mouth and my round little belly
              they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
              I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
              ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

              And laying a finger beside my heartburn
              I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
              I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
              if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

              And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
              in the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite.

              Have a great weekend and happy holidays!

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