[Anonymous]

#1147753

LOL That was great. Perked up my morning

[Anonymous]

#1049781

Three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found
out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they
have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.
He says, “I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to
intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives
his last words. “I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal
power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” The switch is thrown and again
nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy’s side, so they let him go. The last one
is strapped in and say’s “Well, I’m a fighting Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I’ll tell you
right now you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t
connect those two wires.”

Have a good weekend!

Dee

[Anonymous]

#1147754

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.

Have a great weekend!

Dee

[Anonymous]

#1147755

The twin 10-year-olds were exactly opposite: Bill was a die-hard
optimist and Bob a hopeless pessimist.

The mom asked the doctor what to do about Christmas. The
doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob, and get
Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up
some manure for Bill.

Christmas morning Mom came downstairs and found the twins by the
tree. She asked Bob what Santa had brought him.
“A B.B. gun, but I’ll probably hit someone in the eye and blind him.
And a bicycle, but I’ll probably get run over and killed while
riding it. And an electric train, but I’ll probably electrocute
myself,” said Bob.

Realizing it wasn’t going very well, the mom turned to Bill and
asked what he got. “I’m not sure!!” he replied, “I think I got a
pony, but I haven’t been able to find him yet!!”

Have a great day and weekend !! @

[Anonymous]

#1147756

DIETER’S CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite.

Have a great weekend and happy holidays!
Dee

[Author]

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