[Anonymous August 27, 1997 at 5:01 pm Post count: 93172]

#1054017

You’ll all have to forgive me if, in order to attempt to address any of this pain and misunderstanding amongst us, I resort to the language which I understand best. ( Or perhaps it is that which best understands me?) It is fine to hate the sin…but can we, will we. love the sinner?
Confrontation is often quite uncomfortable. But if we look closely at what makes it so uncomfortable we may likely find it is really when we resort to tactics of, or experience from others, blaming, criticising, pitying, minimizing or rationalizing. Tactic which, though emotional powerful, usually don’t further real communication ( a two way street),
resolve conflict, or deal with the initial needs or problems.

To take care of ourselves in the ever increasingly complex “health industry” is a difficult task; and we are already not at our best, we are sick( might not be the same size shoe, but we are all in approximately the same basic footgear, I suspect).

If we can isolate the specific behaviors, problems, etc..as objectively as possible…
Well, let me do it this way…imagine a nurse hates working with a particular doctor. She experiences him as impatient, arrogant and he verbally dresses her down in front of patients…
OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION
She (or he) could choose to describe the behavior to the doc objectively:
Example: “When you yell at me in front of patients..” as opposed to “You’re always putting me down..” Leave out the inference and the accusation…just the facts.
EMOTIONS
…then you can state or claim your feelings without accusation or blame. Example: “…I feel angry and resentful…” rather than ..”you infuriate me..
CONSEQUENCES
The you can state some consequences of the offending behavior which you are describing Example: “… this effects my ability to work to my best potential with you…”
ALTERNATIVE
Now you have set the stage for suggesting a possible alternative. You can start with a postive one…and if that doesn’t work..then a negative. The goal is to offer a positive alternative consequence to encourage the desired behavior. Example: “If you would offer any specific comments on my work to me privately, rather than in front of patients or other staff, I would be more able to appreciate and respect your point of view.

All together,, instead of being an undercurrent of destructive bad feeling, or openly expressed hostility…what you now have is
“When you yell at me in front of patients, I feel angry and resentful. This effects my ability to work with you to the best of my potential. If you would make suggestions to me respectfully in private, I would be more able to respond to and respect your viewpoint.”

Now we know that many doctors, being people, will frequently be inadequate, and the rest of them will sometimes be inadequate.
They need us, and we need them. We have a wealth of information we can share…but we need to have a relationship in which to share that info.

And I think we probably really need each other. We need to be able to share our feelings here..but we have to take responsibility for our feelings. When I was in the midst of collecting the survey info, a man
wrote to me apologizing for having sent his info without asking how I was. He said that as his levels came down he was realizing how deeply selfcentered the illness had rendered him. He wanted to know who bothered to give support to me? I was so touched. I cried. He had seen me, I was not invisible, though of course I had been tempted to wonder if I am. To all you uncomplaining and quiet ones out there..I say a big hello and hang in there. To all you who speak up at every level of logic and pain..I say a big hello and hang in there. Hey, lets, not trade shoes to get a feel fo reach other. Let’s wash each other’s feet. Then we will know. Jeannette

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