[hyperm]

in reply to: Im sorry but i dont think i can go on anymore… #1068298

THE MASK I WEAR

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I’m afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me
But don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm
and I’m in command,
and that I need no one.
But don’t believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That’s why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They’re nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
and if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls.

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I’m playing,
the superficial phony game.
I’d really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this.
I don’t dare.
I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s nothing
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I’m not saying
Hear what I’d like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn’t
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don’t be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

---

author unknown and it has bee

[hyperm]

in reply to: Im sorry but i dont think i can go on anymore… #1068297

Hi Lauren,

After reading your post there was so many aspects of it that I could identify with and if I had a highlighter pen – I bet most of your post would be covered by now in bright yellow ink ” title=”Wink” /> … In fact my first post on here was one of desperation that i don’t event think i introduced myself. Then I had the up and downs and then after the op a major downer.

"but I am still so anxious and depressed at what is happenning and what has happenedto me and how I can find my way back to me again. Was the happy me just the overactive Graves driven me?"

Oh boy I have said that over and over…infact at one point after the op I was still so agitated and ratty that I thought "oh no all those nasty feelings weren’t the thyroid they were me!" But it has all settled down.

Ok I am going to honest with you – that kind of "hyper" feeling you have of laughing etc.. and it being surreal can be a form of anxiety especially if you are prone to wearing a "mask" which I was… it took lots of private couselling for me to take off my mask and not be the "all happy chappy all is well while I am dying inside but don’t want you to see that" me!

If like me you think 8 months and think ok thats it I have had the treatment and have waited the time I should be well by now therefore you put so much pressure on yourself to be well. Yes your bloods may be within range but thats not to say your body has recovered from the adrenal work out and the reaction to RAI…Time is a great healer and as rehab specialist I have seen elderly ladies in their late 80’s recover quicker than those in their 50’s / 60’s from hip operations/strokes, fractures/falls etc.. We are all different and all different healers. Its also really disappointing when you think ok I have taken this really brave step , got this aggressive treatment ok wellbeing here I come – bumf! Nope that hasn’t happened and that in itself causes a panic doesn’t it because I know I think – is this it? Is this what is left/ BUT! and a huge BUT better days are ahead we just need the patience to accept that…

I have had depression in the past and well anxiety is my personal enemy who never goes away ” title=”Sad” /> Its a horrible condition to have and it leaves a terrible weakness there which can be played out in many forms and half the time it takes you to have a really crap day before you can say "oh thats all anxiety and nerves" Depression is also very sneaky and it stops you from looking outside the box…Its when in hindsight (perfect vision) you can look back and think oh if only I had thought like that I wouldn’t have went through months of depression…But the issue is that your mind is so bogged down you can’t think clearly and thats when you need to get a little help to set you on the right path and like you are doing just now sooner rather than later….

Stress is a terrible factor in anyone’s life and when people like ourselves have a history of whether its depression/anxiety etc… there is a weakness there but don’t forget more so there is a STRENGTH, which brought us through those dark episodes in our lives Lauren!!! That strength is there hiding in the midst of despair! Lauren I can write all this I have been in similar places to you… I thought I was going crazy after my TS and then after the op and everything was starting to settle I felt as though my mind was going to snap! In fact I told my husband if he didn’t get me sectioned I was going to do something. My mum had to come up at midnight or there abouts and work with me until I calmed down.

Have a word with your GP about the side effects of your antidepressants as some can have a side effect which causes "manic" tendencies and that can happen at any time. Is there someone who you can speak to in the meantime? A counsellor? Someone who can give you that wee bit extra support? I am not ashamed to say that after the TS I called Samaritans many a night in the early hours when I thought this is it I am going to snap! They are wonderful people who have experineced life, depression and all sorts of things… Its always a thought and at the end of the day you never need to meet them eye to eye so you can sob or get angry or just let it all out.

Sorry this has went on too long but I wanted to reach out to you.. I am going to post a poem from the child within for you – its to apt for me and I think it may help you too. In the meantime contact your GP and someone if you feel its all getting to much.

Lots of love, prayers and hugs Lauren! Better days are ahead my friend just have faith!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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in reply to: Weigh-in (just for fun) #1068732

Hey ewmb – thanks for thinking about me ” title=”Smile” /> My GP just increased it my 25 so now on 100 – don’ t feel a huge difference but she did feel it would need increased more but best to leave that to my surgeon and endo to decide. I am feeling much better now. I am tired but a complete different tiredness than the hyper feelings. I can cope with this tiredness and plus I am more active. I have started the toddler groups again – YEAH! Never thought that would ever happen.
A tad concerned about the weight gain – but need to stay focused that feeling better is much more important.

How are you feeling?

MRhabetz- I sympathise completely! I was this weight when 8 months pregnant with my 10lb 3oz baby! It so depressing ” title=”Sad” /> hang in there!

Have decided to (weather permitting) leave the car and try to walk every where if I am feeling well enough that day. I am really having to watch the snacking – which I have done a lot of this week and its only Wed! I am so tired sometimes and I comfort eat…

Good luck for the rest of the week everyone! xxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: RAI, not so godd reaction #1068315

Hey I had a TT in July – just wanted to agree with ewmb about the ice. I have been buying bags of ice cubes and drinking lots of cold drinks then eating the cubes especially when I found my throat and voice getting sore. Hope you feel better soon xxxxxx

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in reply to: Weigh-in (just for fun) #1068726

UGGGHH! Weight gain! 160lbs – ” title=”Sad” /> ” title=”Sad” /> ” title=”Sad” /> so depressed… have been trying to be active this week and watchful of what I am eating. Saying that its that time of the month in the next day or so.

I cannot face the possibility of going heavier than what I am… ” title=”Sad” /> will feel better tomorrow but most def having a FAT day xxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: To use an apt term – Scunnered! #1068352

lol Emily –

scunner Dialect, chiefly Scot
Verb
to produce a feeling of dislike in
Noun
1. take a scunner to to take a strong dislike to
2. a person or thing that is disliked [Scots skunner]

Collins Essential English Dictionary 2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006

Its a very good expression when you are just more than fed up! I am scunnered! lol

[hyperm]

in reply to: Mood Issues #1069897

Ski wrote:Try to be forgiving of what you must do to get through a day without collapsing. I know it’s tough when things change, and we feel SO inadequate. .

Ski is so right in what she is saying. Also yes if you read back on my posts – gosh I was a wreck! I couldn’t even wash a cup or do anything except sit at my dinning table with my head in my hands praying that my kids didn’t need my attention. My mum is so realistic, there are 6 of us and she had a really hard life so she is very sympathetic. I remember her saying to me one day you know what you are needing to do – order take aways until you are well again. I was shocked to hear her say that as she has had poor health most of her life but cooked from scratch for all of us every day, but as she said she had no choice as my dad was very domineering.

I gave myself a break some days and did order in Chinese etc… In fact my 4 year old when tired will say " Will we just order something in mummy" So there you go thats how often that happened in our house that he could repeat it. ” title=”Very Happy” />

I find it very hard to be gentle with myself and carry an tremendous amount of guilt around. I remember you replying to one of my posts Sue when we were having a wee rant about spouses. If I remember correctly you don’t get a lot of help at home – which is so frustrating and heart breaking when you feel you are ready to crumble in a heap. What I always found ironic is these are the times you should really be eating nutritiously yet don’t have the energy. I often thought/ think about that..but what can you do?

Cruizer, I hope your husband is starting to feel better and you too for that matter xxxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: Cancer #1068477

Marie,

How are you? I have been thinking about a lot these past few days and you are in my prayers. Please when you feel you have the time in the midst of everything that is going on drop a quick line to keep us all updated.

Lots of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: EYES #1068381

Thanks everyone for their advice, Ski you are right its all pointing in the same direction towards seeing an opthamologist. Also you are right with my history no doubt something will be detected.

Emily, I can understand what you are saying as that is very similar as to how I feel. Its like I have to screw my eyes up and really concentrate at times – so frustrating!

I have my appointment on the 11th of this month with my surgeon so will def mention it to her then

Thanks again everyone xxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: Have just caught my first cold, post Dx… #1068373

Hey there,

Just wondering what you are abbreviating is it post discharge ( which we would use something similar in the UK?) or post treatment?

xxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: 6 weeks post RAI and all better?!? #1068386

YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! SO happy happy for you!!! ” title=”Very Happy” /> ” title=”Very Happy” /> ” title=”Very Happy” /> ” title=”Very Happy” />

RUN LACIE RUN!

xxxxx

p.s what would I need to be walking (in miles) to meet the equivalent of say a 4 mile run? (please don’t say 12 miles lol) xx

[hyperm]

in reply to: At a crossroad, want your opinion, please. #1068629

HI Ciona,

I was in a similar boat to yourself. I was unable to get stabilised and they did mention surgery to me several times which scared the life out of me. In fact i am sure they never got to finish that sentence as I had already dashed out the door. I was able to come off meds while I was pregnant with my youngest however, my hero of an endo even then had a sixth sense about me and mentioned TT twice while I was pregnant… I took a TS post partum and then couldn’t get stablised on meds and also had persistent issues with low WBC on carbimazole and then PTU. So there wasn’t really a choice for me I needed a more radical treatment and my endo basically told me I needed surgery.

Although I am seemingly very hypo now (nothing is simple for me when it comes to GD or this thyroid business ” title=”Sad” /> ) but I can tell you this I should have listened to them 4 years ago and had the TT and saved myself the roller coaster. Also although I don’t feel particularly great as hypo I feel so much better than when I did as hyper. I was very hyper at the stage of my op and to now have a nice calm heart beat and although I am tired I am managing so much more.

It may be time to really sit down and discuss RAI or TT…. If you were asking for a straightforward yes or no to a TT – I would say YES go for it!

M xxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: Weigh-in (just for fun) #1068714

Hi all,

Well I am down to 157 – think I may have lost that wee bit weight on my big toe!

I am going to try and leave the car for short journeys – to be honest don’t feel well enough to be walking places some days but am aiming even to pick my eldest up from nursery on foot now I have a nice steady heart rate. I feel I need to try and build up some exercise tolerance now after such a long time of being told to avoid anything. Also really watching my carb intake.

Hope everyone has a good week xxxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: Numbness and tingling #1068424

Hi,

I often would get numbness in my hands when I was hyper… Tightness around the jaw etc… is always worth a trip to GP to get it checked out especially if you are hyper and your BP etc.. is still on the high side.

Please let us know how you get on xxx

[hyperm]

in reply to: Need Help!! #1068507

HI,

So sorry to hear that things are not good for your wife. I had a terrible time emotionally and mentally after my TS… Verging on a complete breakdown. My endo agreed that I was going out of my mind. Your wife sounds as though she is having a paranoid psychosis though and although a lot of that can stem from chemical thyroid levels there may be an underlying condition there too such as depression which can be treated with meds. Has she had PND? You really do need to contact a medical professional ASAP as this can start to be treated rather than holding off to see if it settles.

Please keep us posted xxx

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