[Steph82 April 8, 2013 at 10:51 am Post count: 40]

#1178106

Wow I can’t imagine being treated like that! I would be gone, is there a reason you can’t work? I would be looking for a job and a way out asap! I hope things get better for you, big hugs!

[vanillasky April 8, 2013 at 2:49 pm Post count: 339]

#1178107

@Kimberly, thanks for the link. I will look into it. My mother and I looked into things like this before and hit a brick wall. I need yearly mamograms, MRI’s, and have to go for bloodwork once a month because of the Graves’ disease. I have menopause which is super bad and need help because of that.

I cannot work because of the menopause/Graves’ disease, anxiety, depression and also I have a brain tumor.

The MRI’s study the brain tumor and watch to see if it is growing. It was at 5mm and my neurologist gave me a pill called Cabergoline to try to shrink the tumor. It shrunk to 3mm. they wanted me to keep taking the pill but it lowers my blood pressure and I already suffer from severe hyp0tension, so I was fainting all the time and bedridden for 5 months. It also gave me headaches so badly, I couldn’t leave the bedroom. If the tumor grows again, I either have to have brain surgery or go back on the Cabergoline which I hate, but they tell me the surgery is very tricky.
Everytime I have an MRI, it is $2,900. The Cabergoline pills are $500 a bottle. So as you can see, I have to take his verbal abuse and cruel treatment. I have no choice. If I were to leave, he has threatened to kill my dog and call United Health Care and cancel my policy.

I have to decide if I should just say “to Hell with the insurance, tumor and Graves’,” and just get my freedom or put up with his garbage.

Karen

[KimberlyOnline Facilitator April 8, 2013 at 3:23 pm Post count: 4294]

#1178108

Karen – Emotional abuse is domestic violence, too. Any chance there are DV resources in your area that can help?

[vanillasky April 8, 2013 at 3:33 pm Post count: 339]

#1178109

Kimberly, you have bear with me because I am abit ignorant or stupid for lack of a better word when it comes to all this abuse stuff. I don’t know what DV resources are?

I am 55 years old and I got married when I was just 22. I don’t understand all of this stuff because back in the day, we didn’t know about spousal abuse or child abuse. As a kid, I was beaten with a belt and nobody came to my rescue. I guess now a days kids can get help, but not when I was a child.

It’s the same for marriage. My grandfather used to beat my grandmother. She lived with it for years and years. He has never hit me, I will be honest in saying that but he is very volatile and makes himself come first in any situation…And I’m very stupid to him, but he is the one who is stupid because he just does not believe in anything I am doing. As a matter of fact, he objects to this forum but I come here anyway. He isn’t going to win!

[SueAndHerZoo April 8, 2013 at 3:41 pm Post count: 439]

#1178110

This is totally unacceptable…… I am so infuriated that I should probably take some deep breaths before I type any more. You do NOT have to be trapped in a bad and/or abusive marriage because of health issues. I am willing to bet that a lot of your health issues are being exacerbated by or have been caused by being in this stressful situation.

Can you possibly get an appointment to speak with a Legal Aid attorney or does he drive you everywhere? I can’t believe there isn’t a way to leave this man and have the court order him to maintain health insurance on you, at least for “X” number of years.

I’m glad I don’t know where you live… I think I would probably ask some friends of mine to pay your husband a visit.

So sorry you are going through this, but please know that we are here to support in any way we can.
Sue

[SueAndHerZoo April 8, 2013 at 3:43 pm Post count: 439]

#1178111

vanillasky wrote:

Kimberly, you have bear with me because I am abit ignorant or stupid for lack of a better word when it comes to all this abuse stuff. I don’t know what DV resources are?

I am 55 years old and I got married when I was just 22. I don’t understand all of this stuff because back in the day, we didn’t know about spousal abuse or child abuse. As a kid, I was beaten with a belt and nobody came to my rescue. I guess now a days kids can get help, but not when I was a child.

It’s the same for marriage. My grandfather used to beat my grandmother. She lived with it for years and years. He has never hit me, I will be honest in saying that but he is very volatile and makes himself come first in any situation…And I’m very stupid to him, but he is the one who is stupid because he just does not believe in anything I am doing. As a matter of fact, he objects to this forum but I come here anyway. He isn’t going to win!

You are NOT stupid but that’s probably what you’ve been told and have been made to feel all your life. I am SO SORRY. I repeat – you are NOT stupid. I didn’t know what Kimberly meant by DV, either. I had to read it several times until I realized it stands for “Domestic Violence”, or at least I think that’s what she meant?
Sue

[KimberlyOnline Facilitator April 8, 2013 at 3:57 pm Post count: 4294]

#1178112

Hello – Sorry, yes, DV = Domestic Violence. Although most people think of physical violence when they think of this term, it can also be any type of intimidating/threatening behavior. In terms of resources, on the extreme end, there are domestic violence shelters all over the country. However, in terms of just gathering information to help you make a decison, most states have some type of official department to address DV issues. For example, if I Google “Domestic Violence” and my own state (Arizona), I get the following. (Although if you are using a shared computer at home, you might not want to click on this, as it will be logged in your online history).

(Note on links: if you click directly on the following link, you will need to use your browser’s “back” button to return to the boards after viewing, or you will have to log back in to the forum. As an alternative, you can right-click the link and open it in a new tab or new window).

http://www.azdhs.gov/phs/owch/women/domestic-violence/

There is also a Foundation in Arizona called “Fresh Start Women’s Foundation” that offers free legal consultations to women. It’s possible that there is something similar in your area. Any chance your mom is computer savvy? Perhaps she could do some research for you?

Wishing you all the best as you deal with this awful situation.

[gatorgirly April 8, 2013 at 4:10 pm Post count: 326]

#1178113

I just want to say I have no idea what it’s like to be married let alone be married to someone like your husband while dealing with Graves’. However, I was in a long-term relationship with my now-ex-boyfriend when I diagnosed and hospitalized. I was very sick, but he was too busy running around with his now-wife to drive six hours to come be with me at the absolutely worst time in my life, despite knowing all my family and friends were 1,500 miles away. I really think it’s a combination of A. most people’s lack of understanding of how serious Graves’ is and B. being a total jerk of a guy.

What I needed during my recovery from Graves’ was to surround myself with positive people. I slowly but surely eliminated negative people from my life – my then-boyfriend, my malicious employer (I quit), and the “friends” who couldn’t quite grow up and be there for me. Even if it means taking some time for yourself -staying with a relative, a girlfriend, etc., for a long weekend or even better, a week or two – it might help. Or PM me your address and I’ll come leave some dog poop in his favorite chair.

Edit: I forgot to mention that if you use Google Chrome as your browser, there is a feature called incognito mode. It allows you to browse without having your site history logged. Once in the browser, press Ctrl+Shift+N (Windows, Linux, and Chrome OS) and ⌘-Shift-N (Mac) to open an incognito window – a little spy-looking guy shows up in the upper left corner so you know you’re safe.

[Stymie April 8, 2013 at 5:03 pm Post count: 195]

#1178114

I agree with sue.

I wish there was something I could do to help you…

If you need someone to talk please know that I’m here if you want to pm me.

Big hugs girl.

Diane

[smtucker April 8, 2013 at 6:08 pm Post count: 74]

#1178115

Horrifying…. We are the same age and married at the same age. Funny how differently we were taught. My mother made me promise to always maintain my own credit, ensure that I always had skills for work, and a bank account that only had my name so I could leave anytime. My father taught me three things: how to use a drill, make eggs, and do my taxes. He really wanted to teach a boy-child but there wasn’t one available. He thought having my own money was overkill. I listened to my mother.

I am just babbling. None of this is helpful to you. Just don’t know what to say and so I babble. We are here if you need us, of course. Take advantage if you can think of someway we can help you in a positive way.

*susan*

[Raspberry April 8, 2013 at 8:55 pm Post count: 273]

#1178116

Karen, I too am so sorry you are going through this. In most browsers now like already mentioned there’s an option to switch to a mode where your history won’t be recorded. You can also go in right now and clear the entire history – if hubby asks (cause he will notice) just say you were worried about tracking cookies allowing spyware to harm your computer or some such thing and then from that point forward use the private/incognito mode for browsing.

It looks like you’ve already gotten some great advice about resources though no doubt it is a hard situation. Do you have any other people in your life who might help other than your mother? For what it’s worth, your husband has no right, none at all, treat you in the way that he is and you have every right to be safe and treated with respect. Feel free to PM me any time.

[vanillasky April 8, 2013 at 9:59 pm Post count: 339]

#1178117

Thank you everyone for your words of support and sympathy. I frankly don’t know what I would do without any of you. I am so glad I found this forum.

My mother is always working on something from getting me free mamograms to free medical care. I just met a woman tonight that has no insurance but her doctor works with her.

My goal is to get well and then LEAVE! Right now, if I were to leave, and even if I could work out payment with my endo, how would I drive to Cleveland? It’s a long ride for us. About 4 and one half to 5 hours. I would have to stay at the hotel by myself. My girlfriend works and I have 2 other great girlfriends that also work long, long hours. I don’t think any of them could go with me.

My mother is so crippled with arthritis, that she can’t travel and has problems walking distances. She’s 87. My father is dead and I have no sisters nor brothers to help me.

I pray a lot. The good news is my tumor hasn’t grown in a few years so I keep thinking maybe it will stay at 3mm and I wouldn’t have to worry about that.

I can get RAI and get my thyroid blasted and begin hormone therapy and then my horrible menopausal symptoms should pass. Haven’t had a period in about 2 years now.

I just keep hoping things will get better and I do believe in karma. He will GET his. Actually he already has. He has diabetes and a spinal disease but I have never been cruel to him or discounted his illnesses. In fact, he cannot bend so I tie his shoes each day! And this is the thanks I get? Not right. I can be burning up in bed but yet have to get up to go to the kitchen for an ice pack. He never helps me with anything.

I told him I wanted a divorce. He says he will never divorce me but that doesn’t mean I have to stay in this house. I can still leave. When I did leave him a few years ago, I did meet someone else. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out but I do have some fond memories of him. He was very, very attentive to me but he turned out to be a drug addict, sex addict and had other girlfriends he never told me about so I had to put an end to that. He was a phoney. And to top it off, he came from great wealth. I am not a gold digger but it would have been nice to marry him. Oh well, men can’t be trusted in relationships, I guess. No offense to our male members. But I have not been very lucky when it comes to a good man.

I will PM some of you and babble on and on. Once again, THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Karen

@Kimberly: you are such a saviour. I will look into everything you said. I live very close to the library and can use the computer there and he won’t know anything. My mother also as I mentioned is always calling here and there. I am hoping something good happens with Obama Care, but I was told by Lifespan that wouldn’t be revealed until October, 2013.

In a nutshell, my whole problem is insurance and dang! if I could only work a full time job he wouldn’t see my dust. But if I could handle part time, I still wouldn’t get enough hours to get health insurance.

[shasha April 9, 2013 at 10:00 am Post count: 17]

#1178118

Hi Karen –

I’m so so sorry – You are not alone. This disease is hard enough to deal with in ideal circumstances and uncaring or even ignorant people do not help.

Even if we can blame abusive acts on their “frustration” with the illness and feelings of inadequacy in not being able to help – it doesn’t alleviate the pain that it causes us each time that something like this happens.

I agree that it is abusive – however I don’t know your personal circumstances. Not everyone can just “walk out” of a situation. My spouse is also not interested in educating himself. He is feeling like a “victim” because his normal way of life has been interrupted by my inablility to function in the same way that I have for the first 25 years of our marriage. It’s selfish. It’s foolish. It’s even abusive – but I’m not in a position to walk out at this point given financial difficulties, dependent relatives, grandchildren, work issues – too many to count or explain.
What I’m getting to here is this:
You have to protect yourself. If you are in physical danger- of course you must leave.
If the abuse/mistreatment is more subtle – you have to make a decision about whether it’s more damaging to stay or to go. Only you can make that decision.

I don’t have all the answers but one thing I have learned is that no one can hurt you verbally if I you hear them with the right frame of mind. By that I mean – I now hear his words through a filter of his self-pity and his selfish quest for the “way it used to be”. Once I understood the motivation for his actions, it helped me immensely. It did little for the way I feel toward him though. I think it’s sad, cowardly and incredibly selfish to treat another human being in that way – and sadly those qualities didn’t come out in his personality until we had to deal with this illness.
I hope things improve for you in every way and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You deserve to be treated with kindness and with love.

[vanillasky April 9, 2013 at 3:36 pm Post count: 339]

#1178119

Dear Shannon, thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. We sound a lot alike with the husband problem. For me, it’s like kicking Jesus as he walked to his own death. But then Jesus got up and kept on walking, covered in blood and with the heat and burning sun.

I always think of this and what he said when he died on the cross: “forgive them Father, fore they know not what they do.” And that’s exactly how I feel.

I try to be tough and you are right. It’s kind of like sticks and stones can break my bones but his words will never harm me.

I can’t get out because of the health insurance. That is the only reason and that’s it. Otherwise, I have no reason to stay. Too bad we don’t have universal health care in this country!

If you don’t mind, can I PM you?

Karen

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