[vanillasky April 7, 2013 at 7:52 am Post count: 339]

#1059833

Yesterday, we were in the car and was HOT so what does he do? He turns up the heat! I told him I was HOT but he ignored me and turned up the heat almost half way to full blast. I rolled down my window. He closed the window. My face got beet red and my heart started to race. I thought I would faint. When I got out of the car, I fell in the parking lot. My heart races so bad, I was burning up. He could care less. Told me he’d meet me in the store.

I AM NOT SPEAKING TO HIM TODAY. I want a divorce. Is this the way you treat a patient with menopause and Graves’ disease? I don’t think he’s human.

Just had to vent, sorry but I’ve been crying a lot today.

Karen

[KimberlyOnline Facilitator April 7, 2013 at 8:00 am Post count: 4294]

#1178092

Karen – I wish I had some better words of wisdom. Hopefully, those who have also had to deal with uncaring spouses will chime in with some suggestions.

Has your husband taken any time at all to learn about Graves’? I was diagnosed in 2007, and in 2010, I organized an educational event in AZ where we had three doctors speak about Graves’. My family members attended, and I think it was *very* sobering for them to learn about how serious Graves’ really is.

Sending cyber {{{hugs}}} your way and hoping that your day gets better.

[AzGravesGuy April 7, 2013 at 8:07 am Post count: 160]

#1178093

Karen,

I am so sorry to hear of your day yesterday. Graves’ takes a toll on the sufferers and their immediate circle of friends, family, and loved ones.

I have lost a few from all of these groups throughout this experience. Some I miss, others I do not.

You asked if this is the way one would treat a patient with your conditions. Short answer is of course, no. I do not know what his motivation was, but it certainly sounds like there are some issues that need to be discussed between both of you. Hopefully that can lead to an understanding and some acceptance of your symptoms.

Never apologize for venting your GD frustrations here. That is what a support group is for. Crying releases stress so have at it!

I have a client that recently went through a divorce and she is having some severe issues with it that I will not discuss here. My advice to her is my advice to you: You are in control of your feelings. People may try to change that but it all comes down to how YOU want to respond, how much you allow yourself to be affected. It may sound overwhelming, but you control your destiny.

I hope you have a better day today.

[Momof5 April 7, 2013 at 8:12 am Post count: 118]

#1178094

I don’t have any words of wisdom, just want to say I’m sorry and give you a big (((HUG)))

[ChristinaDe April 7, 2013 at 9:45 am Post count: 115]

#1178095

Karen ~ I’d cry too…
Wish we could all just wrap our arms around you.

I think this is tough on those closest to us, but yesterday’s experience sounds especially rough – physically, mentally & emotionally. Hope an apology comes your way today?

[smtucker April 7, 2013 at 9:47 am Post count: 74]

#1178096

No words that can help. This story just makes me weep for you. So sorry that this was yesterday’s reality. Take care of yourself.
*susan*

[Stymie April 7, 2013 at 10:26 am Post count: 195]

#1178097

Big cyber hugs to you.

D

[SueAndHerZoo April 7, 2013 at 11:16 am Post count: 439]

#1178098

Wow, just…… wow. I’m speechless and dumbfounded and absolutely cannot imagine any person treating ANY other human being like that, whether it be a total stranger, a relative, or a wife. Is this typical behavior or was this totally out of the ordinary?

Right now I’m biting my tongue not to say anthing too negative about your husband because chances are this will get resolved and then you will hate me for whatever I said. I guess it all depends on what you want from your relationship, what you’re willing to live with, and what you’re NOT willing to live with.

I personally have a very low tolerance for anyone treating me badly but I will be the first to admit that it’s probably TOO low.

You need to figure out how strongly this incident affected your feeings towards your relationship and then perhaps you two should talk?

Good luck, and please feel free to vent, either here or in PM.
Sue

[vanillasky April 7, 2013 at 3:01 pm Post count: 339]

#1178099

Thanks everybody. I wasn’t sure if I should share this or not, but have been so upset, I think this just makes me feel worse if I don’t get it out.

@Kimberly, you are right, but as many times as I have tried to get him to read about Graves’, he refuses. Just not interested.

@AzGraves’Guy: I love your advice. you make great sense. And I will once again learn from what you have said.

Everybody else: thanks for the cyber hugs.

And Sue: I would love to PM you and I will when the coast is clear. thanks so much for reaching out to me!

xoxoxxodx
Karen

[amosmcd April 7, 2013 at 3:31 pm Post count: 231]

#1178100

Hi, Karen–

Sorry this happened to you! Men can be unfeeling louts sometimes (no offense AZGravesGuy!) When I was going through my divorce 15 years ago, my ex had the ability to bring me to my knees in tears and rage. I thought sometimes I would die from the intensity of my reactions to his behavior. I was very lucky to be seeing a therapist at the time who told me that I would survive by letting all those feelings wash through me while I sat with them and experienced them, realizing I could not change the way he acted.

Soon after that, his words and actions lost any power they had over me, because I knew I was in control of myself–he wasn’t. I was able to confront him calmly, without any expectations about him. Since then, we have had a decent relationship, which was necessary because of our two sons. I don’t know if this makes any sense or if I’m explaining it well.

Obviously, you are married and going through Graves and Menopause, which I was not back then. That makes is so much harder. I hope you are able to work this out. Hang in there!

Amy

[AzGravesGuy April 7, 2013 at 4:13 pm Post count: 160]

#1178101

Hi Amy!

Absolutely NO offense taken! Everyone is different and there are unfeeling louts everywhere. Lol!

Your therapist sounds like a smart person. That is a difficult talent to develop, but a sound method of dealing. Reactionary training robs the agressor of his or her power and empowers you instead. It is an awesome technique once mastered. I am glad you found success with it!

[emmtee April 8, 2013 at 12:46 am Post count: 148]

#1178102

Was he like this before you developed Graves’ or is this new behavior?

[Harpy April 8, 2013 at 1:27 am Post count: 184]

#1178103

I have a superiority complex,
But like any disease, I was fortunate enough to recognise it quite a few years ago, I am not cured yet, but am still working on becoming a better person.

I always thought my way was the best way, and it may well be for me, but it is not necesarily the best for everyone, it took me years to validate my partner and understand that things that may seem totally irrational to me may be what she needs and then that then led me to actually communicating better with her of what my needs were and recognising what hers were and meeting somewhere in the middle, as said still working on it.

Amy had some good points and to add to those,
If you can find yourself in a calm strong place to innitiate a discussion, these things will take quite a while, so do not dump everything at once, keep it in small bites, do not attack or belittle your partner it will be hard enough as it is, as an example of terms say:

“When you do/say this (his actions or words) it makes me feel like this(your feelings/reactions)”

This statement does not blame him it just states how it makes you feel, it may sound a bit corny but it does work.

Do not be afraid to call time out, if he gets into a rant, let him go and then when he’s finished just say you are not in a position to carry the conversation at that point and try to schedule another discussion later, next day, next week whatever, it may seem a bit mechanical, but better that then getting into an emotional tirade where things may be said that can’t be retracted, keep it in small bites and remember it is ok to maintain a normal relationship between your discussions.

If he is a good man, then he is likely more confused than anything, but does not have the tools to express or communicate this, I you feel the relationship is worth fighting for, then work on it, but just little steps, the rewards can far outweigh the effort in the long run.

That’s a bit of my experience, hope you may find some bit’s you can use.

[vanillasky April 8, 2013 at 7:52 am Post count: 339]

#1178104

Well, hard to say. He has always been a difficult person. I left him 3 years ago to go live with my mother. I had to come back because she didn’t know what was wrong with me and at the time, neither did I. I was always so hot and feverish, palpitations, she got scared and called him. he dragged me back home. And here I am. He is also very threatening. You see, I have to stay. I am too ill to work and he has the health insurance. If I leave, he will cancel my health insurance.

[KimberlyOnline Facilitator April 8, 2013 at 10:46 am Post count: 4294]

#1178105

@AzGravesGuy – Thanks for being a good sport.

@Karen – @Karen – I hate to see anyone trapped in a bad situation simply because of health insurance. It might be worth contacting this organization just to do some research. They are called the Patient Advocate Foundation, and they specialize in helping people who are uninsured/underinsured find access to care. Obviously, no one here can tell you what to do in this truly difficult situation, but perhaps if you had some insurance options, that might at least take that piece out of the equation — and let you make the decision based on other factors.

(Note on links: if you click directly on the following link, you will need to use your browser’s “back” button to return to the boards after viewing, or you will have to log back in to the forum. As an alternative, you can right-click the link and open it in a new tab or new window).

http://www.patientadvocate.org/

Take care!

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