Boomer,
I agree with Shirley.
Try not to overly think what happened. I know it is hard, but with GD we have all been where you are at – lashing out to others, using words that you would not normally say, this is normal for us. And I think most of us can agree that we have done this on numerous occasions. Friends, loved ones, the lady at the supermarket, the police man etc. There is nothing to be ashamed for, this is part of Graves Disease. And this does get better.
I would like to tell you my personal experience with drugs if you want to listen.
I am 45 and when I was 18-21 I was taking every drug known to man at that time. If you were to pass me a pill, I would pop it in my mouth without even asking what it was. I wouldn’t say I had an addiction – but if it wasn’t for a few things that had happened during this time, I am sure I would be dead or on the streets now.
I met my husband at age 18, shortly after this I got pregnant. I continued to do the drugs (mainly opiates). At my 4th month I had a terrible miscarriage. I was in the hospital when it happened, had a D&C and that was that. It broke my heart, I was literally a mess and kept asking why? (Keep in mind that at 4months, the baby is formed) My mom always told me you might not see it now, but one day you will get your answer. Of course being 18 for one, and losing a baby, how is that even helpful?
Yet after all this I kept using the drugs. Until one day when I was 21 – I found out I was pregnant again. That day changed the rest of my life. I completely stopped everything. Smoking, pills, everything on that very day. There was no way I was going to go through that hell again. The pregnancy went perfect. Other than, my husband didn’t want to stop the drugs and he continued. And continued through my other 2 pregnancy’s. Until one day, 19years later, I left him. I watched him change, his mind become erratic, he started to hallucinate – He finally decided he wanted to kill us all because he thought I was seeing someone else, which wasn’t possible since he wouldn’t let me leave the house.
Believe it or not, I now have an extreme phobia to pills. I can’t even take vitamins, or even creams, even some hair shampoos. And as you can imagine, taking the MMI’s was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It took me 3 months before I would take them (screaming and kicking the whole time). I think this phobia is just deep within my psych. from being paranoid of becoming an addict or dieing. Because sometimes it’s not the high from taking a pill but it is the ‘act’ of taking the pill, and this is something that most people don’t get. And I have a feeling you understand.
And now, I am doing a lot better with my phobia because of GD. I lived! I made it through without any adverse effects, my mind is so much clearer, and over all I feel ten times better, physically and mentally. So if I go back to what my mom said after I lost the baby – I do have my answer, and am glad (now) that things happened the way they did.
My point to you is, never give up and keep asking all those questions, because one thing with GD is, it will test your will and spirit. And I believe that you are strong and will get through this.
Keep up the great work.
Naisly
PS: If you want to chat, you can PM me. I also live with an alcoholic and my mom is one as well.
