[Darcy43]

#1059010

Hello all.

I do yoga, pilates and just went away with my dear boyfriend.

I could SCREAM very loudly right now. We have to stay focused and as stress free as possible…My dad is dead (bless him) but my mom is still alive and is all piss and vinegar. Everything is about her. I don’t live with her (or I would have cut my wrist) but I pay her bill (along with my own so I am not a rich person). I cannot even claim her on my income tax much and she is SO UNGRATEFUL. I think I may have to cut her off and just keep paying behind the scenes because due to her mouth spitting hateful venom, I know have severe chest pains, a head ache and I have a ton of work to do but my attention is shot.

She cannot win and I don’t want to digress and go back into hyper stage due to this severe stress…Breathing…

anyone else dealing with selfish folks who do not wish you well, but are like vampires pulling and pulling. It is as if she wants me completely bald headed and in the hospital again with a pacemaker.

Grrrr….

[adenure]

#1171540

I’m really sorry. That sucks! It is good that you have a supportive boyfriend though; we have to count our blessings in the good people who will do anything to help and support us. My husband is that person. My in- laws are also very helpful and kind. My parents live on the other side of the country. I know that, as far as my mom goes, when she gets irritable, angry, lashes out, it’s because she loves me a lot and hates to see me unwell. She doesn’t know how to express it very well except in trying to figure out where to pin the blame. My life is busy and can be hectic; I have 4 young boys & I homeschool them all. At one point she said I had too many kids. Well… what am I supposed to do about that exactly Ah well… I know she loves me so much though- it’s more her frustration over not being able to make things right, as all mothers want to do I think.

Alexis

[adenure]

#1171541

I can’t count out though that my parents will come here, at the drop of a hat, to help. My dad came out for 2 weeks right before I got to see the endo & get medicine- some of my worst moments as far as being hyper goes. He’s going to be 80 years old this year, but he came out here, slept on the couch, and did all he could. It was the greatest gift he could have given me.

Alexis

[Darcy43]

#1171542

Alexus You are blessed.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. My mom is just a shrew and has been miserable her entire life. I wish I could stay positive, she has suffered through cancer 3 times due to her negativity and she is bitter. All her kids have been there for her, but she is just one of those folks who doesn’t feel better until she makes you suffer. I had to move 2000 miles away just for some peace of mind to get away from her. I had to come back because she fell ill and only wanted my help. She like to try to abuse me. I am not a victim and I hold my own, but she knows I will never disrespect her (i.e. curse her out and tell her to mind her business) so she pushes and pushes. I extend my hand and she spits in it EVERYTIME. Just tired of it but you cannot chose your mom and you have to honor them. I am grateful she gave me life (with the help of my daddy and GOD), but I have given my pound of flesh for that several times over. Enough is enough.

I am just trying to find the healthy balance and I pray ALOT.

Yes my boyfriend is a Godsend. My mom is super jealous. I was divorced and wants me miserable. I said nope and after 7 years found the love of my life. Then I get Graves…

I will suck it up. Glad I could vent on this board. She is incorrigible…

[Harpy]

#1171543

It sounds like your mother has never learnt boundaries, she has behaved this way all her life and she has been allowed to get away with it, it is not healthy for you and it is not healthy for her either. She needs to understand that her actions do have ramifications, parental relationships are always difficult but there are a few of us who do have healthy positive relationships with their parents though I’m not one of the lucky few.
As your mother is unaware or unwilling, then it will be up to you to set the ground rules, it is not a negotiable decision, if you make a decision & tell her how things will be, you don’t have to defend that or argue about it, her ranting is just her ranting. It is the argument, when you feel you are under attack and have to defend yourself that wears you down, if you do not take the bait, do not respond to the argument in anyway, no matter how wicked the words are, your energy is not worth wasting there, she will run out of steam and you won’t even raise a sweat. Her first feeling will be of victory, then she will start to question why you are still being civil & polite, then she will realise that you have given up nothing, then she’ll likely go at it again, but each time she will realise that it isn’t getting her any power over you.
Basically that is a paraphrased description of my relationship with my father, we still continue on in this way, but the intensity is a fraction of what it used to be and I don’t feel drained after a visit, he is slowly starting to understand he has no power over me and we are slowly moving towards an adult relationship, somehow though I don’t think we will ever get there fully.

[catstuart7]

#1171544

The one silver lining, and granted a dark silver lining at that, of this illness is that it forces us to reevaluate how we are living. I am most certainly reevaluating many aspects of my life because of Graves. Darcy, I don’t know how much therapy and work you’ve done around the issue with your mother but now is the time. Now is the time to say what was previously normal and painful is now unacceptable. If the stress makes your disease worse, how much worse is okay? How much do you owe your mother? Strength and peace to you.

[Darcy43]

#1171545

Catstuart thanks and I have gone to therapy in my teens (when her behavior caused me to have severe anorexia and bulimia – she called me fat all the time when I was a size 2, so I starved to become a 00 – before it was fashionable – I am now in my 40s and a healthy size and prior to my marriage I was in therapy trying to stay well. Did I tell you she is obese? Irony at its best. Yeah she has a bunch of issues and my therapist who was wonderful opened my eyes to the fact that she is a master manipulator. Due to her messed up childhood she blames everyone and thinks that she can use it as an excuse to me mean and vicious and extremely hurtful.

Harpy I couldn’t agree with you more and I am so sorry about your relationship with your father. I know you understand how I feel. I try to set boundaries – even moved 2000 miles away, but she keeps pulling me in with the crying, tantrums, fake suicide “when I’m gone yall will miss me” crap. Writing about it helps but when it is your mom, you know the holy grail creator of life, etc. you seem like a jaded witch speaking about her in an ill manner. But I have to get over the guilt. Enough is enough. I cannot take it anymore.

She even now claims to have Graves. I basically didn’t speak to her for a month after that. Selfish. Of course she doesn’t have it, she was being mean and spiteful and always marginalize any of my accomplishments (as an author, award winner, college graduate – she refused to attend btw – and just all around good person). Yes, I need to not only set boundaries but stick with them and not give in. I try not to phone her but then she will get messages to me through other family members and they will guilt me into calling her and the vicious cycle starts again. I told her that my heart couldn’t take all this stress and this is extremely bad for me and she screams “well you are gonna die anyway with Graves”. Yeah.

Anywho thanks for hearing my cries. I will get over it. I have no choice. I chose to live my life my way and get from under her craziness. I don’t live with her – thank you lord – and I am free physically from her mess, just mentally still struggling. I mean really, your mom should be your comfort. My dad is dead. A lot of my aunts are dead. But I have a host of figurative moms and really good friends who try to understand bc they know her so I should feel thankful.

Yeah, Happy mother’s day. There is a reason why I refused to have kids. I don’t regret it, but I do regret that was yet another bad thing I did to myself based on my feelings for her. I vowed I would never have a child feel like I felt growing up. Not blaming her, just accepting the facts. I gotta move on. I have to get well and yes Graves opens your eyes.

[Darcy43]

#1171546

Oh and I never owed her anything. I never borrowed a dime from her. Maybe because she bought me diapers as an infant she feels I owe her huh lol.

I even paid for my own wedding. I bought my very first car by myself, including the insurance. I was always independent because she use to (heck she still does) gripe about having to spend a dime on anyone other than herself. She offers like the poisionous apple then when she traps you she makes you suffer. I never fell for that, but she thinks because I am so independent and not take from her, I must be independently wealthy so she begs me to pay her bills alot or speaks about not having food, etc. just to make me feel guilty. Yes I go to her home and her fridge is full when I bring groceries and it makes me angry – like a chump. Then she says the food I buy for her wasn’t good enough anyway…she is a mess.

I will stop griping about her. Just had to get it out. But no, I lived my life to get her love and respect and never got it. I just want out…

[Harpy]

#1171547

Darcy43 wrote:

I vowed I would never have a child feel like I felt growing up.

Just got to say,
My childhood was full of domestic violence as well and at one point I made a vow: “If this is what having children is about, I never want to have children”
This stuck with me for a long time, I did eventually go back and unravel a lot of twisted bits in my head, sure there are more though, and I also broached the children topic with my partner on numerouus occassions, but neither of us had the overwhelming drive, so we don’t have children either, no regrets either, but was just struck between the similarity of a childhood response.

Anyway it’s all good therapy,
Just get it out, here or wherever, once you get it out then you let it go then your life can continue.
So strange we spend the first half of our lives getting screwed up and the second half trying to get it straightened out.

[catstuart7]

#1171548

Harpy wrote:

Darcy43 wrote:

So strange we spend the first half of our lives getting screwed up and the second half trying to get it straightened out.

Amen, sister.

[Darcy43]

#1171549

Harpy we must be related.

Here is irony for ya…she “Mommie Dearest” was just admitted to the hospital due to severe stress….Now after work, I live at the hospital listening to her rant and rave about how her kids are blah blah and nobody cares about her etc…Jeez

I finally had it and did my best Shirley McLaine empression from Terms of Endearment and yelled GIVE HER THE SHOT, GIVE HER THE SHOT…anti anxiety meds….it worked, she slept and I went home.

Hanging in there…what else can you do…I want wine…but that wouldn’t be good for meds….

Thanks again so much for all the support. Yep first half of my life going thorugh hell and the second half putting salve on the burn marks.

Not giving up…I will have a happy ending.

[Harpy]

#1171550

Darcy43 wrote:

Here is irony for ya…she “Mommie Dearest” was just admitted to the hospital due to severe stress….Now after work, I live at the hospital listening to her rant and rave about how her kids are blah blah and nobody cares about her etc…Jeez

I finally had it and did my best Shirley McLaine empression from Terms of Endearment and yelled GIVE HER THE SHOT, GIVE HER THE SHOT…anti anxiety meds….it worked, she slept and I went home.

Been away for a bit, just catching up
Congratulations on a job well done,
That’s Golden.
Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Author]

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