[Anonymous]

#1147709

Following Doctor’s Orders
Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I
gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said “keep tightly closed.”

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous]

#1147710

ROFL!!!! I loved it, Dee!

Hugs,
JAN

p.s. I hope you have gotten plowed out!

[Anonymous]

#1147711

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest’s plastic collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”
“Yes I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous]

#1147712

  Dear Son,
   I’m writing this letter slow, because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
   I won’t be able to send you the address, because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
   This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the
chain and haven’t seen them since.
   The weather isn’t bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time for three days, the second for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said “It would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
   John locked his keys in the car yesterday, we were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
   Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother…
   Uncle ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
   Three of your friends drove off the bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving, he rolled down the window and swam to safety, your other two friends drowned, they were in the back and couldn’t get the
tailgate
down.
     There isn’t much more news at this time, nothing much has happened.
          Love Mama.

[Anonymous]

#1147713

Signs translated from England

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS
DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE
DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL
BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED
AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT
FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO
OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE
WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT
WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING
PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH
RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN
ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE
FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL
PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW
IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU
HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD
ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND
THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Have a great day!
Dee

[Anonymous]

#1147714

Dee I just loved it.. I don’t know how you keep coming up with them but I have to say I look forward to reading your chuckles everyday.. Keep up the good work..

Hope your mom is doing good.

[Anonymous]

#1147715

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

Have a great day!
from the snowed in Northeast:)

Dee

[Anonymous]

#1147716

I liked this one, Denise! Thanks for sharing. I’ll send you some Florida sunshine!

Hugs,
JAN

[Author]

Posts