[Johlego]

#1058908

Hello, I am the son of my mom, Julie and my dad Bob. All of this is what I have gathered from my dad because we have been noticing huge changes in my mom for a while now. My parents have been married for 27 years and of the 16 years throughout my life I have witnessed nothing but happiness between my parents. My mom has been perfectly fine meaning nice, loving of my father, and nonjudgmental (all opposite now). 7 Months ago my mom started taking new bio identical medicine, which unknowingly gave my mom hyperthyroidism. Throughout these months the effects have been gradually growing. 6 months ago (before my parents knew of this disease but it started) my parents began to go to therapy. My mom found this therapist who supported my mom and her behavior, which allowed her to express her feelings and feel better about this new mindset. After only 8 therapy sessions my parents stopped going together and my dad gathered as much research/ marriage saving advice because this was so out of the blue. Later as my mom was diagnosed with the hyperthyroidism, she continued to feel hatred towards my father and wanted to separate. She has been very mean and short tempered with my dad. My mom has been picking fights over small things with my dad and accuses him of verbally abusing my mom (going back to a couple small arguments my parents had over the years). My mom also accuses my dad of controlling me (the son) and the family and also not being relaxed. My mom has been conspiring with her sister (who is divorced and I can safely guess is jealous of my mom). My moms sister has been influencing my mom to get my dad out of the house and my moms sister has been influencing my mom to see this other guy. My dad and I have read emails that my mom sent to/fro her sister and we have deduced there is another guy seeing my mom right now behind our backs and mom is getting rid of my dad to be with this guy. I have recently been informed by my mom about how my parents are going “take a break” meaning divorce in my mom’s eyes(even though I already knew all of this due to dad). My mom claims to be unhappy whenever I try to reason with her. Since her father just recently passed away, any time we would tiff my mom would cry so I stopped arguing. Now whenever my dad and I see an email, my mom’s sister is always saying things like; “How’s Romeo doing” or “just wait till my dads out of the house and we will celebrate!” My mom has been on the right medicine for 2 and a half months now but she still wants to divorce my dad. Tomorrow my dad is moving to a new house and Im planning on mainly staying with him in hopes of my mom “waking up.” The last two months have been hell among my family and total night and day to what our family was 7 months ago. Very little communication between my parents has been made any mom just rolls her eyes at anything my dad does or says. Please, what do we do, my mom won’t listen to anything my dad says. Hyperthyroidism has been incredibly detrimental towards my family.

[snelsen]

#1170831

Hi, I am on my to class, and gone much of the day today. Wanted to say hi, and tell you that you’ll be getting some responses today, for sure. I am SO sorry that you are experiencing this nightmare.
Shirley

[elf]

#1170832

Hi Johlego, Sorry to hear about all the turmoil in your family in a short few months. As a child witnessing it it must be so painful.

I will speak from the inside of the mind of a person who used to have the Graves rages and was intolerant. The world seems to us this way. The people seem to make stupid things that we have no tolerance to. We don’t know why we become so short-tempered – we just feel compelled to not tolerate anything anymore.

Another thing is that even without Graves, a lot of women, at 45-55, feel the need to change something in their lives. (That’s why so many books written by women about great realizations in their late 40s-early 50s). Those are other hormones, the pre- or menopausal hormones talking. Having both, Graves and menopausal, combined – what an explosive combination.

There are men here who have posted on the changes in their wives after the Graves diagnosis. They, too, ask if this is the Graves behavior? Or do they really mean what they say? (for example, they start wanting a divorce all of a sudden). Is it possible to “fix” it and get my sweet wife back?

The sad truth is – nobody knows. It may be just Graves and fixable. It may be past the point of return. It may be that something has cardinally changed in this woman’s outlook. We, the strangers on this forum, won’t know. The women themselves will often find it hard to separate what’s coming from what, and why the life they seemed to enjoy, becomes intolerable to them.

((()))

[Kimberly]

#1170833

Hello and thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry your family is dealing with all of this.

We’re not doctors here, just fellow patients, but I do have a couple of observations. First, was your mom diagnosed specifically with Graves’, or does she have some other form of hyperthyroidism? Her treatment options will be affected by whether she is dealing with Graves’, overactive thyroid nodules, or thyroiditis. If she is taking anti-thyroid drugs and/or beta blockers, it’s important for her to have periodic follow up visits with her doctor (usually every few weeks) to have her thyroid hormone levels tested and to see if any adjustments need to be made in her dosage.

If your mom might be interested in joining this board, we’d love to have her here. She can also connect with a staff member at the Foundation by e-mailing info@gdatf.org or calling toll-free 877-643-3123.

I wish I had some words to make things right again, but here are a couple of bulletins from our web site that might at least be able to provide some insight as to what your mom is dealing with.

(Note on links: if you click directly on the following links, you will need to use your browser’s “back” button to return to the boards after viewing. As an alternative, you can right-click the link and open it in a new tab or new window).

What’s Wrong With Me? I’m Not Myself Anymore.
http://www.gdatf.org/about/about-graves-disease/patient-education/whats-wrong-with-me/

An Open Letter to Husbands of Graves’ Patients
http://www.gdatf.org/about/about-graves-disease/patient-education/an-open-letter-to-husbands-of-graves-patients/

Please check back and let us know how you and your family are doing.

[Johlego]

#1170834

Im not exactly sure whether my mom has Graves or some variation of a hyperthyroid but all I know is that my mom strongly believes her new mindset over the facts and proof my dad has showed her some time ago. So far (based on emails) the only thing setting back my mom has been the thought of me leaving. @Elf when you went through Graves and it’s implications, what seemed to have an effect on you meaning what could I do around my mom to help her “Wake up”? So far all I have done has been turning the cold shoulder and Ill keep doing it for now seeing as it draws back my mom slightly. Mom says its going to “work out.” Oh and my mom has already been through menopause but I see the whole “needing a change” thing, which only makes matters worse

[snelsen]

#1170835

Hi.
You are a very mature guy, amazingly able to be objective while looking at the strain, tension and chaos that you are living in right now. I am so so sorry that this is what you are experiencing at home, when you have a life at school, and studying to do. Hard to bring friends home during this upheaval in your life.

Do you have any idea at all if she is seeing an endocrinologist at this time?
I am just casting about for ideas for you to try. Do I understand that your mom has decided to toss out the fact that she is sick with a thyroid issue?
Is there anyone who

when I was hyper, (I was very young, very hyper with a new baby and a husband in med school.) I really was pretty crazy, never sleeping, always hot, eating a ton of food, losing weight, with a very fast pulse. But when they told me what I had, I could hardly wait to get better. I felt like a crazy person, thought I might be, and I think others thought so too. It was wonderful news that there was a reason. But your mom does not seem to be in that place right now. Since you do have some influence with her, what would happen if you told her she was not herself at all, that you are worried sick about her, and generally very scared about everything. Are YOU able to ask her what the doctor says? Kimberly pretty much addressed this, but she should be seen regularly, and the doc should be asking her how she is feeling, what she is like, and doing labs. After 2 1/2 months, I would expect her to be feeling much better, if she is on an anti thyroid drug. a reason for this not to be happening, is that she has needed an increase in the dose.

Elf gave you a very realistic post, too. I am glad you are writing to us, and you sure do need to be able to do that. But, I am not sure what to tell you to do or say to make things better. As you said, you are the only one who has any leverage with your mom at this time, so maybe it will be very good reality therapy for her to realize that you will be living with your dad. I say this, because you have said that is your plan.

I find myself so concerned about you. Hoping you have good support and friends, but as I say this, I know that they won’t understand, and in many ways, this is the best place to discuss this stuff.
I wonder what your mom means by it will “work out.” Tell you dad to write if he wants to. There is another guy posting right now, you dad might find I some solace in reading his posts. I think it has “wife wants a divorce” in the subject line.
All for now
Shirley

[Johlego]

#1170836

My dad has been super busy with the new house and all that but those are some great pieces of advice. My dad and I will somehow get my mom to see an endo and hopefully increase the dosage. For now Im just being very distant around my mom. Thank you all very much, I will continue to pursue mom to see a doctor and have her hormone levels checked.

[snelsen]

#1170837

Brief note. Good plan. It is essential that she has this care-in order for her to become her old self, before all this has happened to her. I say this, assuming Graves’ is the problem here. I hope for the best for you and your dad, your mom too.
Shirley

[w1nd1]

#1170838

I am sorry to here about your moms illness. I just wanted to put my two cents in. I have suffered for six years from this disease and I too left my husband and I hope I can give you some insight.

We do have an intolerence to everything……. I have had long beautiful hair my since kindergarten ( Im 39 now) and even my hair iritated me so bad I cut it off to a couple of inches long. I hate short hair. I cant stand my cats to touch me or lay on me and I have had them for ten years. I cuss my kids and say things I never would before and then feel horrible. I was a very outgoing person always on the road taking my kids to chuckee cheese, the beach, the mall, the movies etc.. never did i stay at home….and I have spent the last five years in my home a virtual prisioner. Graves disease affects your hypothalimus were thought and reason are and what we do often makes no sense. I went thirty three years and never touched drugs not so much as a puff of a joint and I was off doing drugs becuase I hated what was happening to me.

That being said I never lied. There were problems in my marriage verbal and physical abuse that I had tolerated. When you get this disease it gives a voice to us that did not stand up for ourselves or for those of us who were trying to what was best for our children and trying to keep our family together. DONT DISCOUNT WHAT YOUR MOM IS SAYING ABOUT THE VERBAL ABUSE. My guess is that she like me had a tolerance for things like that and now we have a tolerance for nothing. I now can often be quoted as saying “better to be alone than to wish you were alone”.

Often in this disease we do alot of thinking. We get caught up in our on head with anxiety and depression and I was the most up beat and had the paitence of Jobe. The fact is I don’t no more and she probably doesn’t either. We no what is wright and wrong and things that are wrong now eat at every last nerve we have left.

Your mom probably had these issues all along but just let them go they just didn’t bother her the way they do now.

Your mom can’t help the way she feels because these feelings are stronger than anything she has probalby ever felt before. Love your mother unconditionally, and set healthy boundaries in yalls relationship becuase she needs you now probably more than she ever has she just doesn’t know it.

I wish you luck with your family!

[bobkatak]

#1170839

Johlego

I cant tell you how sorry I am for you and your family. My family is going through the exact same thing right now. We have been happily married for 23 years now and really got along great until the last 6 months. We have a lot in common and fish and camp all the time as a family. People refered to us as the brady bunch because we were so happy and luckily had a great family.

Looking back I believe the hyperthyroidism started about two years ago as i saw changes in her personnality but I just thought it was because we were getting older and our kids were grown. But now i also know she was complaining about a racing heart and knowing what I do now I know it was the start of hyperthyroidism.

Since nov my wife has been talking about a divorce and it was out of the blue, our relationship since then has steadily declined. What really made me realize there was something more wrong with her was when the relationship between her and out two daughters ages 21 and 22 also deteriorated, as of right now they dont even talk.

The beginning of Jan 12 she was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and we have been battling it ever since. I have been very involved in her treatment and I know more about the disease than she cares to. it has worked to my advantage since she takes me to her doctor appointments which keeps me involved. The doctor will call and talk to me and she does take my advice on treatment. It has been extremely difficult since she was allergic to her meds and she just had radioactive iodine therapy on 20 Mar so it will be a while before I know if it is going to help.

My daughters and I count the days hours and minutes since her treatment and cant wait to see her return to the normal person we have known. I wish i could give you some good news and hopefully will in the near future. I know what you are going through and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. i will keep my post updated as things change so maybe it will give you and other and idea of what to expect but you have to understand everyone is different and the outcomes may also be.

If you or father get involved in her treatment you will atleast know what is going on with her physically. The best to you and your family.

[Kimberly]

#1170840

@bobkatak – Thanks so much for sharing your family’s story with Johlego and for giving us an update on your wife’s treatment.

I recently read a book by Jess Weiner called “Life Doesn’t Begin 5 Pounds from Now” and there was a section on an individual who was struggling to help her friend with an eating disorder. I was really struck by the similarities with friends and family members of Graves’ patients. Weiner writes:

“Friends and family members need to remember that the logic with which we assess the situation is not at all logic that can be found within the person who is suffering. As a friend, you want to fight the disorder itself, to rationally debate its way of thinking or controlling. Unfortunately, that is a fight that you will lose…[instead] ask if there is something you can do…see if by asking you can open up the door for your friend to tell you what she needs.”

Wishing you and your family all the best!

[Johlego]

#1170841

Well thanks bobkatak and Im deeply sorry for your family as well. Well my dad just went to pick up something from my moms house and just called me to find out he saw my mom in bed with another guy… I honestly dont know what to do, things just keep taking turns for the worse, my dad and I are in the same boat as you bob and this is just unbearable.

[Kimberly]

#1170842

Johlego – I’m so sorry about this latest development. Here’s hoping that your mom will be able to physically heal from the effects of her Graves’…and that your family will one day be able to emotionally heal. Wishing you all the best.

[snelsen]

#1170843

Yes, Johlego, it is unbearable. I am so so sorry. There is a fine line with all of this, when parties involved, get to a point of no return. Of course I hope that there will be a magic turnaround with your mom, but you and you dad have been dealt some very difficult cards, and I guess I am here to say that the outcome of this is not known. Some things are very difficult to forgive and recover from, especially in the near term.

Meanwhile, your dad has a job, you have your school responsibilities, and I am hoping that you are able to maintain a semblance of a normal life as a 16 year old kid. You definitely have too much information, which has to be very painful for you.

Speaking as a parent who also had a spouse who acted crazy like your mom-but it was my husband,and my three teenage kids 12,14,18, all dealt with what you are dealing with now. The good thing is that we are all right side up, very happy, and yes, we did divorce. Years later, my kids say that it was better for them and for me. But at the time, all of us felt that our world had come to an end, and it would never be ok again. Well, it was.
Shirley

[Author]

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