[woodley]

#1069246

Hi. I hope you feel a little better for the rant. You can do this. You’re strong enough to support other people here and so you should be strong enough to support yourself. And lots of people here are right behind you. Hang in there.

[Sue_Conard]

#1069247

Hyperm: I did read your post, every word and I just want to THANK YOU for putting into words the way I feel these days too!! No lie!! I don’t have the support at home from my husband either, don’t have a cleaning lady, etc. As long as I get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, I’M WELL!! Well, I"M NOT!! My husband tells others that I have GD, but doesn’t really understand what it means to have this disease. I can’t get him interested to read ANY of the posts. He forgets when I have an appt. and my girlfriends say it’s my fault because I don’t remind him or don’t tell him. What’s the use? He’s not interested! And, like others, I just feel like I’m complaining, WHEN I’M NOT, IT"S REAL!! What I’m trying to explain is that you’re not alone, I PROMISE YOU!! We’re soooooooooo lucky to have this site to post and talk to each other.

I’m currently taking IV Solumedrol treatments for my TED and have dbl. vision EVERY DAY! It’s frustrating and I too hide behind my mask of happiness when inside, I’m dying too. I took my first treatment yesterday, have another one tomorrow & one on Monday. I’m gaining weight from all the steroids and just MISERABLE!! I can tell you that I’ve PHYSICALLY felt myself going into suicidal thoughts and even told my dr. that. Those TRUE FEELINGS come and go for me…don’t worry about being here…we’re here for you, TRUST ME!!

I know we have a lot of men on this site, but they can be so selfish BECAUSE WE SPOIL them…we are the nurturing ones, remember THAT!! Your children NEED YOU, stop those NEGATIVE thoughts hyperm NOW!!

[hyperm]

#1069248

Hi Sue,

Sorry to hear times are tough! You did make me laugh at the end though! ” title=”Smile” />

No its not easy and its also very hard when people are trying to help by being positive but its not that we aren’t being positive its just a darn hard life eh? My hubby is good at times but he is exceptionally moody! I kid you not when I look back at our years together before we got married I see alot of the syndrome "women who love too much". I also see in hindsight (perfect vision I know) how moody he was then ” title=”Wink” />

I can appreciate what you are saying as couple of days before the op he said so what time do I pick you up that night! I was like oh dear my hearing is going too! I just glared and said I will be in for 3 days at least! He was like well you don’t tell me anything and I answered well did you ask when I came home from my consultation? Nope you just kept on ironing! Then when I went for my pre ax both him and my mum had a bug so couldn’t come to the hospital. My mum knew how nervous I was and said she felt awful I was going there alone and he replied "oh don’t worry its not as though she is sick or anything" Do you see where I am going? I feel so disheartened. I know he has had a rough ride but I have been at the head of the rollercoaster in this one and think I deserve just a wee bit TLC – when like you say I am someone who especially is a TLC giver. Don’ t get me wrong he is good with the kids in caring for them and is not a bad person but as my wise old gran would say the best of men are selfish.

I am so grateful for your honesty as sometimes it feels so lonely and you think gosh they all think I am a moan and so ungrateful and am not looking positively. I do believe like lakeview had pointed out that I am probably going hypo so its all kinda hitting the fan now Its such a horrible overwhelming feeling isn’t it? Unless you have been there you will never know how it feels. I am so fed up I am lying in the dark in my room just looking on here and watching films on utube – how sad is that? ” title=”Smile” />

Also funny you should say about double vision – you know I never gave that a thought in accordance with my GD but since the op I have had some episodes – will I be ok? what do I do? Whom do I contact?

Thanks again for helping me feel not so alone on a really really bad day xxxx

[Hopeful23]

#1069249

hyperm..Life is not easy in fact its hard really freaking hard. You are not alone. I hate my life everyday i wake up with this awful disease. You cant let it win you HAVE TO FIGHT EVERY DAY. RIGHT WHEN YOU FEEL YOU ARW DONE YOU HAVE TO FIGHT THAT MUCH HARDER. If i was near i would come over and slap you into reality. This sucks its not easy and im sure it wont be easier anytime soon. SO RANT SCREAM CRY THROW YOUR PILLOWS. Whatever you do DONT TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS INTO ACTION..call the suicide hotline anything. we care and understand you more than your husband. STAY STRONG DAMN IT

[hyperm]

#1019106

Hey all,

I know I have required a lot of support in the past and I hate to moan and lean on your shoulders once again. I feel awful and once again I can feel suicidal feelings coming over me that I had after the TS. I know I am just post – op and things aren’t that great at home. I also know there are a lot of optomisitic people out there who will believe me to be selfish or pesimistic – which is not the case I am a get up and goer! I am someone who just gets on with things but I just can’t and although it would seem to appear by reading back on here that I moan a lot (sorry) this is my only out let….. After all in the past when you perhaps say to a friend who has not been through a lot in life about how you are feeling they are like oh you will be fine etc… Thats not really what I need to hear as its just a brushing off of how I am feeling and belittling as to what is so overwhelming in my life.

I really feel as though I am going off my head – my stomach is constantly in knots. My husband is now starting to get to my mum who is normally so neutral and tolerant with his dour face and over reaction to everything. She is fading with the extra strain of trying to help and my mum was furious that my husbands face was like thunder when she dropped the kids in the other day – after having them all day. She has ever right to be as he would let her take them for days. When I Was in hospital I called my mum and she had had the kids all the time I was in – he was going down there for dinner – getting it made for him and then just having to come home and feed the baby as my eldest was staying down at my parents. When I got a text in the hospital he said I am exhausted etc.. but I have had a cleaning lady in and my mum has had the kids etc… Anyway he is always thumping about the house and my nerves are on real tender hooks. My eldest is being a real handful which I believe is partially down to me being unwell and being out of a routine.

To let you know I am not feeling sorry for myself I moved out when I was 16 and worked and paid for myself to go to college and university / got uni loans etc… When I was 14 I was attacked by 3 girls and 2 boys and never went out for 2 years while I was living with my mum going through a nasty seperation from my dad at the time due to his abuse in alcohol. My parents own their own business and I was privately educated so I have many advantages too which others haven’t so I have been blessed in many ways. I just wanted people to know all this to clarify that I am NOT someone who looses hope or strength at the smallest hurdle – thats how I know I can’t keep going anymore…. that fight is just not there, the last 8 months I think have really finished me off. I have tried to stay up beat and laugh at my mood swings etc.. but inside I have been dying behind the mask.

My husbands work has now finished up and there will be no money coming in – he is trying to do bits of translating here and there but I don’t know what is going to happen and I feel sick as everything is in MY name as he is not a UK resident so can’t get mortgages or anything over here. I will be completely black listed I have had to come off maternity leave and go onto to sick leave so that we have a little income but I only work 15 hours. I am worried sick and just don’t have the health to back it all up.

I have a very problematic family back ground and my siblings are not in contact with us but are always hurting my parents and to be honest I have to then take the brunt of trying to calm them etc.. They don’t mean to put that onto me but they have no one else and are in bad health.

I am really worried about my wound as I have really over done it today to try and do some things so that my husband is not going about "letting me know" every little thing he does then curses and complains. I know from experience of having 2 sick parents – one a chronic alcoholic for years (recovered now) and a very ill mother through it all that it can be overwhelming and makes people stressed and unable to cope. But I am having to cope with knowing that I am putting extra stress onto my mum by her taking the boys and helping me. I feel awful and just don’t have the health to keep going.

I am sorry to go on and I know lots of people will say things will get better but I am a practical person and am aware of the inevitable even if my health does start to improve slowly.
There is no one from the church who could come and help – that was a lovely suggestion but unfortunately my parish don’t operate that way. My friends – although some are really lovely they are not they type who roll their sleeves up and help. I had 3 of my closest friends over for lunch when i was 8 months pregnant and they just sat and chatted while i waited on them, washed the dishes and they had to take tea pots etc.. through to the living room. My hubby came down the stairs and said "oh wait don’t you be carrying all that I will take it through" and they just were like oh thanks… I had 2 miscarriages previous and still they didn’t even muck in – needless to say I have never asked them back over ” title=”Smile” />

I am sorry this is a really long rant and to be honest I don’t expect a reply I just had to get it all out and re-read to know that I am not imagining how bad things are… I think the fight in me has finally gone.

m xx

[ewmb]

#1069250

Hyperm,
Call your surgeon or your Endo in the morning. Let them know you are having these feelings. You are having great hormonal changes and you may need to have your blood levels checked.Your thyroid controls so many things including other hormones. You shouldn’t discount this as all mental fatigue. I will say a prayer for things to become clearer for you and your family. I haven’t had the personal problems you have had and will not say that I understand all of it. I am a good bit older than you and will say that you deserve the best now, you should not keep waiting if it’s not necessary. I didn’t think this way when I was younger and felt like I had to sacrifice for others. Put yourself first when at all possible. I know with little children it can be hard. I have learned from my daughter, who is autistic, and from Graves, that simple pleasures are the best but life’s irritations can be blown out of proportion if you can’t think about them clearly. Sometimes time is the best medicine but I don’t think you should wait to let someone medical know about these feelings.

Take care and hug your kids all you can.

ewmb

[Sue_Conard]

#1069251

Hyperm: Oh honey, if you’re having double vision YOU MUST let your Endo doctor know and get an appt. with an opthalmologist. I’m blessed, in that I have an eye specialist in my area that has studied GD for over 30 years and understands my frustrations, etc. If you’re having double vision, I would ask for an MRI of the orbits of your eyes. My right eye superior rectus muscle is 3x the size of the left one and that’s why my eyes are misaligned right now. Until I get stable, I can’t have surgery to correct it, which sounds fairly easy to do. Please let us know that you’ve called your drs. and when your appt. is scheduled. It’s very IMPT. to follow-up on your vision issue. My understanding from BOTH of my doctors is that the TED is SEPARATE and INDEPENDENT from GD. A facilitators on this site can confirm my statement. Hang in there, we’re here for you!! Remember, with everything I’ve read, GD ONLY ATTACKS Type "A" people, the strongest of the strongest sista!! We’re ALWAYS there for everyone else…well guess what, IT’S YOUR TURN, YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
I don’t mean to sound like my husband is a horrible man, he’s just not sensitive to my issue/disease. It’s not HIM so he’s NOT INTERESTED! He’s a good provider and I know he loves me or I wouldn’t have been here for 30 years my dear, but what I am telling you is that he’s SELFISH, but I made him that way by spoiling him. I’ve always been INDEPENDENT and my own person and that’s what he expects…

[carla]

#1069252

Hi Hyperem, you know that you are going to be ok? You took the first step in the right direction and you have spoken about the way you feel, the second step is that you have asked for help, from all the GD group, but you have still asked. I know how you feel even though I don’t even have the disease, I feel like you because my daughter has the disease and it is so unfair to be 13 and to be struck down by this. You just have to think of your children, men are from mars remember, they don’t get it like we do, think of your children, think of how good you will feel this time next year, think of all you have to look forward to in your life, there are things, think of happy times and surround yourself with good festive music and people, not classical music and time alone. This is how I stop myself from crying each day about my daughter, I go to work, I talk about how I feel. I don’t care if people are sick of hearing, it is the keeping it inside that is bad, get it all out.

[hyperm]

#1069253

Hey,

Well last night was awful I was on the verge of getting my husband to call someone to get me sectioned… My eldest woke up at midnight (surprisingly he has been in his own bed for a few weeks now I think down to mamabears vibes) anyway my hubby went int to settle him and he blew a massive tantrum …. It was the final straw I just couldn’t take anymore and genuinely thought that was me away.

I feel so ashamed that he had to call my mum at that time of night but she came up and helped to settle me. She looked at the list of side effects with thyroxine and one is restlessness and anxiety. I have had thyroxine in the past but coupled with carbimazole.. I think Ewmb you are correct in that I am going hypo and perhaps that coupled with the meds then all the stress is just a very bad cocktail. I have never been this sort of person. As Sue said we are survivors so this is a complete change of personality.

My mum had highlighted my sister was very low after her op and it took a few months for her to feel normal… I don’t recall too much about that period but I do remember her calling her fiancee to come down and she was crying on the phone as he wanted to go to a football match -she ended the 7 year relationship that night for good. She and my husband reiterated what my surgeon had highlighted that I was very overactive and basically toxic at the time of surgery with a resting heart rate of 150 at the time of going to op so that I would slide down into hypo. EWMB I think you are right that these hormonal changes are really taking effect. My mum pointed out that I have been through a hard time with the TS – which had this effect on me and that I am not superwoman and that I do have a very sensitive system in which I take reactions to everything so no doubt my body is being its usual self at the moment and struggling to cope with all the changes. I am just so scared it is going to be the same as after the TS and take a long time for my mood to change. Also, she ,like all of you have pointed out – my sister came home from her op – she hadn’t been as ill just a large goiter that was unsightly and she had no kids and a family of us to help out..I do recall her being emotional and tired all the time but she too is a get up and goer so I suppose she just got on with it the best way she could.

I am absolutely shattered this am as is my hubby and mum. But as you all know with kids – if you have only had an hours sleep you still need to get up. Hopeful you are right life is hard and I know that there are so many worse people out there than myself…I try to hold onto that thought to keep me calm and ashamed of my own selfishness but at the moment I just can’t control these feelings. My youngest is teething terribly the wee soul and I suppose it doesn’t help to hear a crying baby – even though my heart is aching for his pain….

Just a bad combination of physical/mental and emotional factors at period in my life where I should be getting peace to cope with the physical…

Thanks all so much for your input. I wouldn’t say I feel much better this morning just drained from a night of fighting whatever this is going on inside me.

I have made it through the night and am trying to stay within this "rationale" frame of thought as much as possible and I suppose its back on the diazepam – my mum also pointed out that in general after the high doses I had been on the week leading up to the op and then the time in hospital that normally people need to weaned of them so that perhaps isn’t helping that I am just taking as required as I hate taking meds like that

Thanks again… I am sure in the next few days as the levels start to even out I will look back at this and be so embarrased

m xx

[carla]

#1069254

Maybe you need to take a betablocker if you aren’t on one. My daughter is on carbimazole and thyroxine together and came off the propanolol (beta blocker) for 4 days but had to be put back on it because she got really upset and depressed at school, described the feeling as her body was going into shut down and that she wasn’t herself anymore but a different person in her body, couldn’t concentrate, feeling dizzy. She wouldn’t stop crying. Back on the propanolol and within a day, she was back to her happy, cheerful self. That was 5 days ago and we have had not one "down" day and no tears. How is your pulse going?

[hyperm]

#1069255

Hi Carla,

Thats great news that it helped your daughter !!! Fab

Unfortunately – typically of me I can’t take beta blockers as I am chronic asthmatic. My pulse has been wonderful – in the 80s- 100… Sometimes I get paranoid it is beating too slow as I have had tachycardia for so long now but its just a healthy resting pace again – that was my first celebration!

xx

[ewmb]

#1069256

Hyperm,
Glad to hear that you have made it through the night. I was really worried about you. Sounds like you and your family are dealing with things even though as you said it’s messy and tiring. Here’s hoping that you have a non-eventful day today.

ewmb

[npatterson]

#1069257

Please! Call your doctor TODAY Ask whoever is on call to order something to hold you over until Monday when you can get in to see him. I don’t know what that might be. we are not doctors. The suggestions you have here may give you some ideas as to what to tell the doctor. Maybe just cut and paste your first post and highlight the things that are happening to your body, and your spirit.

You need to avoid heavy lifting (I think the limit is 8 pounds (a gallon of milk).

Did you ever contact the British Thyroid Foundation? You need some local support, in addition to "talking" to us. I am worried about you—there is so much going on.

There is nothing wrong with taking medicine–it is there to help you. If that means something to control the excess thyroid, take it. If it means something to calm you down because your thyroid hormenes are making you climb the proverbial wall, take it. If it means some serious marriage counseling, GO. Things will not be one bit better at home if you are not there. None of this means that you are not a strong person, just that you are not a magician.

Sometimes you have to make it an hour at a time, and work up to a day. We are all thinking about you.

[paloma]

#1069258

Oh, dear hyperm, you just go ahead and moan and groan. That’s why we are here! Please let us know what your doctor says about possible eye probs and depression/suicidal ideation. Sounds like you are at the end of your rope. I am so sorry.
Talk to hubby about why he acts that way? ” title=”Confused” /> Explain? How it hurts you that it seems he doesn’t care.
And of course, thank God that mum is still with you! ” title=”Smile” /> Mums are from heaven, don’t you think?
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!! RANT, RAVE, SCREAM!!! Don’t be embarrassed about it, we all have our days!
Anita

[hyperm]

#1069259

Thanks to you all – very much for all your support and words of wisdom. I made sure I spent sometime with my eldest today just playing board games on the couch – I want him to be as secure as possible as I think that is why he is playing up as much ” title=”Sad” /> . Then I decided that it was a cuddle on the couch day so when the baby had his feed my hubby tucked him into me to go to sleep on the couch – oh I love those cuddles and my eldest who is 4 lay on a bean bag next to me on the couch and we watched Toy Story 2 – twice! I gave myself a break and didn’t feel guilty for lying about and letting my eldest watch TV most of the afternoon. We all fell asleep – guess we were all needing it.

I can feel the panic starting again and I know its going to build up so yes I am going to the diazepam after writing this and cut myself some slack ” title=”Wink” /> I hope it is able to settle me for the night. If it was just me in the house I would try to hold off but I can’t make my family’s life a misery, when as you say Nancy it is there to take and I would too tell someone, that so I guess I need to take my own advice. I am determined to get the kids sorted for the night and get into comfy Pj’s my hubby is off to rent some DVD’s and hopefully I will feel less tense ” title=”Smile” />

Thanks so much again – if I could group hug you all, I would! You are all my extended family xxxx

p.s Yes I think that is around the weight limit for lifting and I have been told not to lift until the end of next week – that will be 2 weeks post – op xxx

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