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Ok here goes..very personal. I split up with my partner of 6 years about 6 months ago. It’s been a very hard time for both him and myself! I was diagnosed 3/4 months ago, which gave me some answers about my ‘crazy’ behaviour and out of control emotions, but unfortunately doesn’t undo the massive damage done.
I am now recently talking with my former partner, who probably doesn’t really understand but hey, he is now talking to me again!!! I love him very much.
My problem and plea for help is this… his family is very important to him(I love this!) unfortunately, my ‘graves rage’, anxiety( isolating myself, making excuses, not seeing his family and making excuses) etc has damaged family relations in regards to myself.
Myself and my former partner have started catching up again(very happy), but he does not want to tell his family he is seeing me again. I completely understand. Anyones family usually wants whats best for their family member and to be honest, I put him through hell.( misery loves company )
I had a great relationship with his mum/family pre graves rage.
My appeal for help is that, how on earth do I possibly explain to his family? Who have no knowledge of graves and without sounding like I’m saying it wasn’t my fault?
I really really wish…is it just me? that there was some kind of open letter for things like this….that I could print out that explained the emotions, the graves rage, the anxiety …
I thought I might wright a letter to his mum….but how do you explain ‘graves’ !!!
I guess.. just… help!!!
I appreciate any suggestions.I would print out science based articles on emotions, moods and depression stemming from Graves Disease for them to read. My husband of 30 years, our 19 year old daughter and 25 year old nephew all suffer from Graves. It is only recently in dealing with my nephew and daughter that I am starting to understand the side effects of Graves. I am on a mission to educate people on the disease and welcome any suggestions from this group. I am new to the group in hopes of getting more information to educate people. I am so sick of hearing that Graves is “treatable” Yes, it is treatable if you know what you are dealing with! We just started accupuncture and an anti-inflammatory diet with our 19 year to help her depression and anxiety.
Hang in there – educate your partner’s family and as many people as you can on Graves! Get some counseling to help you deal with the emotions and try to eat a diet high in vegetables. Good luck!
Hello – That’s good news that you are finding some healing with your previous relationship. Undiagnosed Graves’ can be *so* destructive to relationships; unfortunately, we hear these stories all too often.
Agree with Jeanierd about finding resources to help educate the entire family. Here are a few that will hopefully help.
(Note on links: if you click directly on the following link, you will need to use your browser’s “back” button to return to the boards after viewing, or you will have to log back in to the forum. As an alternative, you can right-click the link and open it in a new tab or new window).
Emotional Impact of Graves’ Disease Video (from 2012 GDATF conference):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB8_5rbCso8An Open Letter to Husbands of Graves’ Patients:
http://gdatf.org/about/about-graves-disease/patient-education/an-open-letter-to-husbands-of-graves-patients/What’s Wrong With Me? I’m Not Myself Anymore:
http://gdatf.org/about/about-graves-disease/patient-education/whats-wrong-with-me/Wishing you all the best!
Kimberly,
Great links! I am going to share them with my daughters therapist and endocrinologist! Love this site already!
Jeanie
Hi, I feel for you, I sincerely do. I’ve been married forever and left my husband temporarily about 2 years ago. I didn’t feel well. Didn’t know I had Graves’ and felt like he didn’t care for me at all.
Since my diagnosis, I can’t say he’s been super supportive, but he does understand NOW why I do what I do, say what I say. I swear like a Truck stop waitress! LOL! And throw things. I can be very intolerant, very mean and going through menopause is not helping me!
You have to TRY to make them understand. What’s that old saying “Ignorance of the law is no excuse.” That’s how I feel about this. They don’t have it, so they don’t want to know anything about it, but we HAVE it. It’s our way of life until we get things in order with our levels or have RAI and get balanced out. And mis-diagnosis is so common.
I did read a study of people (patients) in mental institutions and when they tested their thyroids, they all had abnormal either hyper or hypo. So this is what we are. I no longer make excuses for myself.
My mother always hurts me when she says “You used to be such a sweet little girl.” Well, I’m not a little girl anymore. I am a 54 year old woman with Graves’ Disease and menopause. Of course, I feel horrible lots of the time and have been through Hell with this stuff. So how can I be sweet all the time? I love my mother dearly but she really aggravates me when she makes that statement. It’s just being stupid!
Karen
There are definitely huge mood swings with Graves! I have been so irritable and sometimes mean to my boys (21 and 25, the oldest is disabled and they both live with me) and spend half my time apologizing for my behavior. It’s hard when you go from a good day to a bad day, from a good week to a bad week, or even a good hour to a bad hour!
I’ve explained about Graves’, I’m also going through Menopause, so they have tried to be understanding but my oldest, who is autistic, has a harder time with it. He understands to a point, but then still expects me to be “normal” most of the time.
I hope your partner’s family can understand, once you present the facts to them about Graves’. I’m happy for you that your partner is willing to listen to you and I hope it works out for you with him.
Take care,
AmyHere’s a good page Information for Family and Friends
Thanks so much for your replies. Kimberly and Catstuart7, thanks for the links they have really helped. Catstuart7, I love the link you gave me it’s exactly what I have been hoping for and have printed it.
I have been thinking about others. I am sending heartfelt hugs out to anyone who reads this who is no longer in a relationship/marriage, due to graves. I get it. I am feeling very very lucky. And…. consider yourself hugged!
Jeanierd, welcome and thanks for your suggestions. I hadn’t thought about getting counselling, perhaps that may help too. I like your mission to educate people. I can only imagine what you have been through with your husband, and now your daughter and nephew too! You sound like an amazing woman!
Amosmcd, I can definately relate to some of your situation. I have a son and have also spent a lot of time apologizing. It sounds like overall you are doing a great job with your sons!!! It can be so hard when you are having a bad week/day/hour, and then trying to deal with the after effects of that. I usually feel pretty awful when I come out of it and realise how I have behaved towards the ones I love. I am guessing the after effects would be even harder with someone who has limited understanding. Sounds like you have a lot going on just to get through the day, and then theres another whole story with the added joy of menopause!
Vanillasky, Thank you so much for sharing. I also felt like he didn’t care about me, that feeling was my main source of fuel for graves rage..we had loads of arguments just because I felt that way. Or rather – It was really just me shouting at him (and yes the occasional truck stop mouth I’m sad to say) and him just being very confused. The fact he is still around after being treated like that tells me that yes, he definately cares! Also, the mother thing! I can see how that would aggravate you! Not helpful at all. My mother lives in a different country. I was talking to her only yesterday and she proceeded to tell me she thinks I have had graves since I was a teenager (Im 38)..because it’s a brain thing and I would never listen to her…what the? I thought that was a pretty dumb thing to say too.
Go the education!!!After reading all your posts, I am definately going to try with his family, thanks for all the help and encouragement. The tricky part is that he is not wanting them to know we are talking again. It will take time to rebuild trust. I really don’t want to do something he doesnt want or isn’t ready for.I don’t want to go to his family without his agreement…
Heres my plan..I will finish getting some printed info, give it to him and ask him to read it..give him some time then have that very scary conversation about giving the info to his family..I will be brave.Rae5: think nothing of it. We are a support group and what I have learned from just coming here to read, that most of the people on here are women that have Graves.’ So with the exception of a few men we have as members, what does that say? They don’t know anything about what we are going through!
Another big difference in my opinion, is that you can have a middle-aged woman as myself without Graves’ and she still is acting like she has Graves’ because she’s menopausal. I read the menopausal support groups as well. Their symptoms are very much like ours! So even though you are too young for the big “M” it’s a lot like that. The heat intolerance, the sweating, the mood swings, crying jags, feeling worthless, feeling lousy, feeling different from everyone, sometimes depression takes hold.
I was told years ago I suffered from “Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” The doctor didn’t know I had Graves’, he just thought I was a nervous wreck and Graves’ can make you a nervous wreck. Palpitations drive me batty, the heat intolerance has altered my life. I HATE summer. I want to move to Iceland. I love the cold. And everyone else around me is freezing. I have headaches, bad migraines, have to take Naproxen 550 mg almost daily, once in a whle, you’ll see a clump of hair come out and then you’ll get scared about hair loss. Weight loss blows my mind how I can eat an entire chocolate cream pie and lose a pound the next day. Frequency of bowel movements, stomach cramps, my eyes bother me. Sensitivity to light, the sun, don’t like loud music or noises. My potty mouth. Occasional tremors in my hands.
These are all the things that we deal with on a daily basis. And when you tell someone you have Graves’ disease, they just look at you and say “What’s that?” There is nothing MORE infuriating that their stupidity. As Joe South sang “Walk a Mile in My Shoes.” that says it all.
This is normal for me…… if you’re crippled or blind, then that is normal for you. I don’t expect to understand what you are going through, but I do want understanding, compassion, sympathy and some empathy. That’s all I ask for. People have asked me if I’m aneroxic. “No, I have Graves’ Disease,” I’ll say. Yeah, sure. They don’t even know what it is.
I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t explain how I look, why my eyes are looking “glassy” as some say, I am underweight, because this is me. Take it or leave it.
Sometimes I think we are special people for having this disease. It makes us different from the rest. Our mood swings are just that. We have compassion, I cry at the ASPCA, commercials. I cry at weddings and funerals. I am super sensitive and what is wrong with that? I’m a human being. It’s better than being a dead fish like a lot of people are. We understand suffering. That child dying of cancer at St. Jude, I understand, I cry for, I have much sympathy and empathy for their suffering. A lot of people don’t. I think that’s what makes us special.
Lots of your post spoke to me too Vanillasky. I do struggle with how much to talk about Graves. Especially when it obviously affects my moods or memory, sometimes I do tell people I have a thyroid problem. I don’t go into detail beyond that. I do worry what I’ll do if the eye problem gets worse – I have one eye slightly larger than the other and I don’t think people notice it consciously unless I point it out to them. I wear my glasses more now to try to hide it sometimes. Fun, fun, fun.
Rae5, I’m glad you liked the link – that page really sums it up for me. Liked the link from the husband of Graves lady too. I say take it slow, let your former partner introduce the materials to his family when the time is right. I’m sure once they read in black and white a description of the change they saw in you they will find forgiveness and understanding.
I agree with Vanillasky that when you say the term “Graves” people say “oh yeah” but have no idea of what it is! I’m new here and getting so much comfort from this group. I especially like the YouTube link Kimberly posted. I view it and sent it to 3 people so far. If you have not viewed it, please do!
Emotional Impact of Graves’ Disease Video (from 2012 GDATF conference):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB8_5rbCso8 [youtube.com]Meeting up with my sister today (mother of my nephew with Graves) to discuss how we can use this video to spread the word.
Jeanie
It’s funny because I knew what Graves’ disease was when I was 10 years old. My father got thyroid cancer and Graves’ was just one of the things on the list of thyroid diseases.
I remembering watching Monty Python’s Marty Feldman and everyone was horrified about his eyes. I read he had Graves’ Disease and was so thin. He died at 48 of a heart attack. Just over-working on a film he was doing, it was too much for him. Another example of how Graves’ works on our heart muscle.
Rapper, Missy Elliott, has Graves’ Disease and she hasn’t worked in 3 years now. I imagine her career is ruined at this point. I understand this completely. I was an insurance broker and lost my license because I couldn’t work with it.
It must be nice to have a thyroid that works well. They take it for granted. Some of them don’t even know what a thyroid is. But that little “bufferfly” in our necks can really ruin our health!
Vanillasky I really liked your previous post. I like the attitude of .. this is me, take it or leave it.
Cat that link summed it up for me too, thats why I like it so much. I am going to take your suggestion on board about taking things slow with former partner. – Thanks.
Jeanierd, how did you do with your sister? Any plans yet?
Digressing from the original subject….I am really struggling to work. My job requires lots of thinking/brain power, complex problem solving, multi tasking etc…I work in Mental Health would you believe it!! Problem is, I am now completely unable to do my job! So, just to add to all the joy of graves I now have some major decisions to make…and a mortgage! Sorry to hear about your license Vanilla!
Thank you, Rae. If I ever get well, they tell me with a few courses, I can get it back. But I have to pass the courses and I am afraid I just don’t remember Property and Casualty anymore.
It was a horrible time I had. The day I lose it was when I had to go to continuing education. It was just an 8 hour course. If only I could have sat through it.
I was so HOT, burning up. People were complaining the room was cold so the teacher raised the thermostat. I fainted. I had to go to the ER and all the while, I knew again I had gone hyper. The intern there was very sarcastic, very smug. I had to actually beg him to run a thyroid panel of TSH, FT4 and FT3. He finally did and I sat in that room with a hospital gown, sweating bullets and so HOT I could explode. My heart was erractic. Pulse was 110.
He came into the room and (it must have just about killed him) but admitted my TSH was supressed and I was indeed hyperthyroid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know what it takes to get them to understand only if they felt as lousy as I feel maybe then they would know how sick I really am.
Hi Rae – so very sorry to hear of your breakup and sympathize so much with your challenges in “explaining” this crazy disease. I’m a little less than 6 months diagnosed and my marriage (almost 30 years) is stretched just about as thin as it gets. I also have Graves eye disease and my appearance has changed dramatically – not to mention the personality changes. So much good advice here – the open letter was fantastic – and also – I like the “this is me-take it or leave it”. It really is supposed to be for better and for worse. The tables could turn any day and your partner could need your support.
Keep the faith. You will get better and things will get easier. This forum has made a huge difference for me and right after Christmas I finally told all my family and friends what is going on with my health. I had hidden it for months just not knowing how to put it out there. I’ve gotten a lot of positive reactions and some not so positive – human nature I guess. People are concerned about how things will affect them…
Anyway – sending you positive thoughts and hoping that things work out for you. One more thing – I like Vanillasky have developed a really sensitive side I didn’t have before. This disease has made me a much more empathetic and caring person in a multitude of ways. Sometimes I think blessings come in very strange packages!
God bless –
shasha -
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