[woodley]

#1072018

Hey there. Sorry to hear that you’re having a rubbish day. The best advice I can give is that it’s OK to have a rant occaisionally, and make sure you do some things for yourself.
W.

[ely2009]

#1072019

I totally get what you’re saying about having things clean causes less anxiety. It’s been really hard for me to let some things go – like housework. I’ve learned that if I keep the kitchen and family room picked up (our main living spaces), it helps a lot. I’ve just been closing the kids bedroom doors so I don’t see their messes. Then on a day when I’m feeling good, we tackle those together.

I know I couldn’t stand having my MIL or my mom for that matter living here for a couple of weeks. In theory it sound nice, but the reality is different.

Hang in there. I feel the same sometimes, like I shouldn’t be giving advice – as I sit here shaking at the keyboard. But we’re in this together.

” title=”Smile” />

Emily

[catsmum]

#1072020

Hang in there!
I know that’s easy to say but not every day is going to be this bad. I have ME, my daughter has Graves & my son is Aspergers, so I totally understand how some days are just the pits. I look around my dining room now & can barely see the floor for boxes & clutter (I work from home as my illness has stopped me working as a teacher), i walk into the kitchen & see dishes needing washing, the bathroom looks like a bomb has dropped with damp towels strewn across the floor by my teenage daughter who thinks they’ll pick themselves up & jump into the washing machine! But you know what? It’s ok! It has taken me a couple of years to realize that although, yes I feel better when the house is spotless, it’s not the end of the world when it’s not. If I can’t get up the energy to clean the whole place everyday like I used to, that’s ok – I just celebrate the little things I can do, for instance today I went to the Postal Office on my own! It’s only about a block away but most days I can’t do that. SO YEEE!
As a mum to two kids you want everything to be perfect for them, but when they grow up they won’t remember if the house was messy sometimes, they won’t remember that they didn’t have homemade, fully organic meals 3 times a day every day but they’ll remember their mom loved them loads. So save your energy for giving the kids hugs and smiles they are the important things you need to do every day, not housework.
I can’t give you much advice for dealing with your MIL as my mum & MIL both died when my kids were babies (they are now 17 & 20) but I think you are putting pressure on yourself to be perfect for her. I am sure neither she nor your partner expect you to be a perfect host at the minute & maybe she would really love it if you asked her to help you with little things about the home & made her feel really needed.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself, there will be days (or in my case its only hours) when you have the energy & ability to do some housework until then just go with the flow until then. Try to keep one room, perhaps your bedroom relatively tidy do that can be your sanctuary from the mess & clutter of the rest of your house if need be. I try & do this, just having a place I can go into for a short while & ‘chill’ helps. I also find it helps to set myself small, achievable tasks for each day such as today I am going to empty the dishwasher & wipe down the kitchen surfaces. If I do that I will have done well today, and anything else I manage is a bonus. Over time I hope I’ll be able to increase the number of tasks I can do but for now it’s just baby steps – and that’s ok!
Keep your chin up & celebrate small acomplishments.
Love
Catsmum xx

[hyperm]

#1019497

Ok here I go – after being able to dish out advice I feel as though today I am going to either go off my head or collapse ” title=”Sad” />

My MIL is here for a few weeks to help – but its just not working. I am someone who needs to be organised (have 2 kids so no choice). I had warned my hubby that I didn’t think it would work as I anticipated that it would be be more work for me etc… They are big into health food etc… I used to have a healthy diet etc..but after being so tired for so long I just can’t be bothered nor do I have the energy to cook properly for myself I ensure the kids eat healthy etc…. I think I have just lost all heart and hope for good health for myself. Anyway last night they just went on and on about it and I just burst into tears as it was as though there was no understanding as to how this condition makes you feel etc…

My MIL is very messy and my house is in a tip and I know everyone will be saying its only a house etc… but I am so exhausted and just can’t muster the energy to tidy up after them. I try to keep things tidy as then my anxiety doesn’t mount up.

I am so ANGRY at this disease and my body for making me feel so out of control. Will I ever get my life back? Have people after the op felt any significant difference in their health? I’m sorry to be such a moan – just having a really rubbish day and just wonder will there ever be a day where I feel I can take on the task of housewife, motherhood etc.. without it always being a daily slog and effort.

Thanks for listening!
m xxxxx

[Ski]

#1072021

I feel for you with the MIL ~ it’s really difficult to accept "help" when it actually feels like "disruption." I remember, when I was pregnant, I read an article advising that after the baby came, I should remember not to judge those who are helping me ~ in other words, if the dishes were put away in the wrong cupboard, oh well, nap on. That was REALLY difficult to do, for me. [How will I find my dishes??] ” title=”Very Happy” />

The fact that your MIL came from such a distance, and now turns out to be a messy person, puts you in a heckuva pickle. As if it wasn’t difficult before, you’ve now got one extra to pick up after! I’m not sure what to say ~ I like the suggestion of getting ONE space in order as YOU like it, then you can retreat to that location and calm yourself when the feelings get overwhelming, but of course that makes you feel like you don’t even belong in your own home. How much longer has your MIL committed to stay?

[hyperm]

#1072022

Hi catsmum, You certainly have a lot on your shoulders!

You sound so like me at the moment but you have a wealth of knowledge. I offloaded to my mum – you know before this GD I never swore in my life now I use certain words venomously and – hey I feel great – then afterwards am ashamed. Anyway I never thought the day would come when I would swear in front of my mum – however she had a terrible menopause and like me never swore in her life so she is like – Get it out its ok!

I know what you mean about the little things – I am in the same situation, however I have a real anxiety thing about mess! I was one of 6 kids but my mum just seemed to be always organised even in her poor health. However, yes I admit I am anal and things must be a certain way..it drives me daft and you know what it takes up so much energy!

Ski – you are one of the funniest people on here – I think you and I have the same sense of humour! Yes I would be thinking — hmmmm the spoons are mixed in with the forks….will I be able to sleep tonight????

I feel so guilty as my MIL is a lovely person but both she and her son (who unfortunately happens to be my hubby ) are both so messy. I really struggle with my hubby at the best of times and now there are two of them!!! Anway, I have calmed down as I tidied up – made the dinner early and got the kids organised (or else it would still be needing done) and said right guys I’m too tired to eat now (but at least all is well on the Western front ) so everything is organised I am away to bed and when I awake will most likely just have dinner in bed….. The sleep helped…

Thanks again – I feel like such a moan but I feel I get so much support on here and that most of you are people I am beginning to know well through sharing experiences – so a huge thank you.

Lots of love

M x

[hyperm]

#1072023

Emily,

Just noticed your post – sorry never mentioned you in the post – yeah I keep my downstairs tidy and therefore don’t break out in cold sweats or hide behind the couch if the front door goes!

God bless you Emily I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks Woodley too!

mx

[DianneW]

#1072024

Hi Hyperm,

Your post is probably good for me, as we often visit our kids who live out of state and when we do, I often feel helpless, not quite knowing how to help when that’s what we went there to do. I’m afraid then that our visit has caused more work than if we’d simply stayed home. What I want from my daughter-in-law at those times is REAL INFORMATION on what I can do that will actually be of help to her. I assume your MIL would appreciate that from you as well. So you might try asking her for help tidying up the house. Let her know that you get distressed when it’s messy. Give her positive feedback any time she does any tiny thing in that direction.

Those visits we’ve had with the kids have been special times that give us an opportunity to bond with them on a level not possible if we weren’t staying in the same house. I so appreciate that opportunity. Of course, when you’re feeling so ill your first consideration is just making it through, not facilitating happy family time, and that must be respected. If your in-laws aren’t actually helping you, then they should wait until you’re feeling better to visit you. Talk with your husband and perhaps he can help with this.

[RhondaG4]

#1072025

If my MIL were able to come and help….and had come from such a long way to help, I think I would start making lists. I would just say ok mom, since your here to help, I’ve made a list of things that I like to have done on a …daily…every two days…whatever basis. Here is the list. Please feel free to pick the ones that you’d feel comfortable doing, and hubby and I will try to get to the rest of them when we can. I really appriciate you coming to help us and I’m sure we will all be able to enjoy your visit more when we have some of the work out of the way. Love ya lots…..or something like that. Hope that helps.

[DianneW]

#1072026

Good idea, Rhonda. Like I said, from the perspective of a MIL that’s what I’d want to be told. It’s really nice to know that you’re able to help your kids when they need it, but knowing HOW to help is a different story sometimes. XO!

[hyperm]

#1072027

Hey Dianne,

I can appreciate what you are saying and I suppose I really struggle to allow people to help. However, much as she is a lovely person they are not what you would term over here as "workers". Whereas when my sisters had their kids I had the bottles washed and on, washing in the machine/hanging out etc… and the olders kids fed and dressed for her getting up.

AS much as my MIL is a lovely person – this situation just isn’t working. I had a lie on this morning as the baby is teething and didn’t have a good night. So I awoke to neither child dressed at 10.30am – I leave their clothes out at night, there was washing sitting on the bottom stair, and the house like a tip. What really irritates me more is that my hubby just goes about trying to pretend he is "laid back" and I think he does it to rile me. Never once has she just taken the kids out for a walk or even helped to bath she just sits and watches! The last few days she has went up to rest – while I am rushing about the place and I know I look awful… Sometimes its not about delegation but just personalities. I mentioned to my hubby yesterday that as anticipated – this wasn’t working and as usual more work for me – he isn’t easy to live with and went about with a face like thunder for the rest of the day.

Anyway enough of my moans…thats just life for me!

M x

[mamabear]

#1072028

I just want to make sure I’m clear on this…
MIL came to HELP you during your time of need with this Graves’ disease, right?

Does she know what this disease is about and does your dh have an idea as well?

I agree with the girls, if I were to come to someones house to help them I would want to know what to do as well…Oh wait what the heck am I saying. I am an overbearing motherbear, I’d just take over and keep a sign on your door to keep out and let you be and I’d take a hold of the family and get er done. But again that is me and my overbearing I have to have it done my way or no way attitude and the person who needs rest should have it no matter what the cost. Just ask my sister whom I tend to do that too. lol

Ok so yes if I were you I would talk to her about this. Tell her that these are things that need to be done and you would like to know "if you can help me with them". Don’t say I need you to do them, don’t say I need this done, don’t say I want you to. Ask her if she can help you with them getting done. Heck, ask her if she has any advice on getting the others in the house to do it when you ask. To be honest, her sitting on her rump is more as if she planned a holiday to your house and not time to help you out. (thus the reason I ask if she knows about the graves and the problems that you have from it, not sure if you said anything to her but if you left it up to your dh to do so…well you need to do it and not leave it up to the hubby cuz you don’t know if it was done/said right to her lol.)

I would have a bigger chat with dh about this and be stern about it. Tell him that you are in no shape to NOW clean up after the rest of them and if this doesn’t change they will have to leave till you feel better and then they can come back for a holiday. You being sick and having to deal with them as well isn’t a good time. DH needs to step up and be on board as well with what you are going through. Tough if he doesn’t get it or doesn’t help out much. He HAS to now since things have changed. This is something that makes or breaks a marriage so pick your fights. Remember DON’T TELL someone to do it unless it’s a kid and then it’s "Go clean your room now, please" or "go get the dishes ready for dinner, please". When dealing with dh don’t ask but don’t demand it either. If he is sitting watching tv, say "please fold the laundry (hand him the laundry) while you sit there so I can put it away." Or "please sort through this laundry while you’re sitting there so I can get it ready for a wash and dry". You aren’t asking permission for him to do it which gives him the opportunity to say no. But you aren’t demanding that he do it either which will make him feel you are being (w)itchy ” title=”Wink” /> or nagging. Don’t forget please and thank you. I am sure you know all of this but when we are not feeling well we tend to not have manners. (i have done this on many occasions).

Hugs

[hyperm]

#1072029

Gosh I feel as though I am such a moan.

Yes my MIL is aware of how ill I have been, my brother in law is a doctor in Japan and when he heard about the thyroid storm was concerned. She is a LOVELY person and very caring but they just have a different culture and some people just are not into housework i guess. I really tried to put her off coming over in a nice way as to be honest I didn’t want her to be feeling awkward because I am ill and my hubby and I are at each others necks some days. Our past encounters have went well although we both have different ideas of running a house etc… but that wasn’t an issue as we both got on so well.

I really don’t expect any help as I don’t even like my mum doing things as I feel well they are both getting older, its just that it really is adding to my daily tasks and I am not getting any more rest….. Anyhoo – was just having a crap day the other day and needed to vent, so thanks to everyone. I will just need to get on with it as the saying goes – no other option!

m x

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