[Rickstar321]

#1060152

I am really trying, but I am just a man. I really do try to do the right thing, and have always believed myself to be one of the “good guys”. However, I know I “fall into the trap” and say things less than helpful, but even on a good day when I have my “super spouse” cape on I can still be sucked down to that level of saying something I shouldn’t.

My wife of 23 years was diagnosed over ten years ago, and we are well on the “other side” of the RAI treatment. We do have our good days, but I am always walking on thin glass. As far as treatment it seems every time she sees her Endo they are changing her daily dosage levels. I learned long ago not to ask the “Did you forget to take your meds again?”, even if she did. I can’t help wondering if maybe some type of anxiety meds might help, but also a taboo topic.

“We” had a Grave’s Rage this morning, and I mean “we” because my 18 yr old son and 16 yr old daughter always end up being the collateral damage. By the time it blows up to affect them I am on the defensive and it is always turned around to how messed up I am, is the reason for my wifes unhappiness, and she has a very long grocery list… and if you hear something repeated over and over long enough… My 16 year old was sitting here counseling me on how I need to avoid fighting with her (mom) because it stresses her (daughter) out, the whole time I’m thinking, yes and soldiers in Afghanistan need counseling on how to avoid IED’s… but I don’t say it.

I love her, but I do NOT like the new her. She used to be so compassionate towards others, she was so full of light, she was so sweet, affectionate, graceful, and her eyes smiled for me… but now she struggles hardest to tolerate me, and barely tolerates most of humanity. I am top on the enemy list, but hate that I am the bad guy. She is bitter, has a very dark outlook on everything, accuses me of always having an ulterior motive, always believes the worst about me even if she has to “make it up”. She had an online affair, but didn’t meet the guy, I caught her typing about how she fantasized about him while having sex with me, and laughing about how stupid i was to him. After being caught in the whole thing she swears she broke it off and gave it up… but I have caught her in so many lies… but I am the liar.

I want the woman I fell in love with to come back. I feel like I’m in some weird syfy movie of the body snatchers… and no one else can see it but me…

I get on line and read about other’s coping with GD, and it usually helps… but today is harder. I am at the end of my rope.

It breaks my heart to think of my daughter being in a broken home… growing up without that stability to look to when she enters into relationships… but I’m not sure I can do it any more.

Just one more day. One day at a time.

[Ski]

#1180774

Hi Rickstar,

I’m not sure I can say anything that will truly help you in this situation, but I’ll give it a shot.

I appreciate the fact that you want to keep your relationship together, that’s an admirable goal. I’m not sure you can blame Graves’ for everything that’s going on, so then we get into an area that’s not my expertise. The marriage relationship is a very complex one, but I do know it takes two people who want to make it work. That means you both need to be willing to take steps to change things that aren’t working, no matter the root cause.

Do I understand correctly that your wife is ten years down the road, had RAI for her initial treatment, and she’s still having frequent thyroid hormone replacement dose changes? If she’s been struggling this long to come to a really normal place, then I can understand her frustration with the whole process, and the fact that she loses it over seemingly trivial events would be pretty common (they’re trivial, but they’re just one… more… thing…).

That said, though, our primarily relationship is meant to be our solace, our truly safe place, and it sounds like neither of you is feeling that way at this moment. That’s not something we can even hope to help with here. I can only pray that the two of you find a way to connect and get help to begin healing your relationship.

[SueAndHerZoo]

#1180775

Hello Rick.
So sorry your family is having such a tough time but I’m glad you found us – this is a great place to vent and find friends when you need one most.

I’m not sure I have any sound advice for you but I did want to reply and let you know I sympathize with you. Part of me wonders why your wife is still having such issues 10 years after RAI and why the doctors keep tweaking her meds. I can imagine it’s rough on her since changing meds and/or their dosage does put us into a tailspin but that’s another story . . . this one is about you and your children.

Have you ever discussed therapy or marriage counseling? If that’s a taboo subject with her, too, then I would recommend YOU go get some. You need help learning how or if you should continue to live like this. And maybe if she sees you going to counseling she’ll see how seriously this is affecting others.

Again, sorry I don’t have much to offer but wanted you to know that you’ve found a safe place to come and vent.
Sue

[npatterson]

#1180776

Dear Rick,

Your post nearly brought tears–I was that woman at one time–not for terribly long, but I was there. It was horrible! We have heard from so many husbands over the years, and their letters/posts are so similar to yours. Some of what you describe is likely Graves’, but some of it is likely not Graves’. Even though I am a therapist, I cannot separate it into two separate piles. Much of it is mixed together. Like Sue said, consider counseling for yourself, at least. You need the support and guidance to make it through this.

You don’t say where you live, but is your wife getting really excellent care? Does she need a second (or third) opinion from a true specialist? We can help you find someone. Also, there is a bulletin (go to the home page) titled “An Open letter to Husband’s of Graves’ patients”. It is EXCELLENT. It has been translated in to several foreign languages. It is timeless.

Please stay in touch with us. We can listen, and we are safe.

Take care,

Nancy

[Elainemdg]

#1180777

I ditto everything that Sue said!
As a former crisis counselor, (in my “spare” time ), she gave you excellent advice.

This brings to mind my grandmother & her sister-who, (as I say in a post) were in their 80s’s, self-medicating themselves with beer, (my grandmother), and wine and marijuana, (my aunt, yes, you read that correctly!). They both refused to see doctors for ANYTHING, almost carrying their large goiters with pride, (my grandmother had the most realistic “turkey call” I’ve ever heard. . My mother would tell us when we were young that she WAS “part turkey”! (Not the best relationship between those two..).
My aunt, (the stoner/wino jazz pianist) had been married..(gulp), 7 times. She owned a condo building on Daytona beach and it seemed like she only sold/rented to un-married 70-95 year old men. I know, because during my spring break in high school, my boyfriend, best friend, (his sister), and her friend, and I, all stayed with her for 6 days. It HAS to be all 4 of ours most unbelievable teen memory. Aunt B. was smoking a joint, with a bottle of wine on the piano she was playing jazz & big band on-the night we arrived. We met 5-6 of her “boyfriends” while we were there.
They also met my grandmother, doing cart-wheels & head stands in her mumu, (she couldn’t have been more than 75lbs at 5ft, soaking wet-despite the large cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon she put away), out in front of the house, again, right on Daytona Beach.
Grandaddy? (Was 6’7 and also skinny as a rail) He was either in the bedroom watching Lawrence Welk, telling WW1& 2 stories to everyone who would listen, or fishing over on the Halifax River-as far away from Grandmommy as he could get.
The ONLY time you would see them together was their 5AM walk on the beach with their two Pekingese dogs, (Zsazsa and Prince Charles), and their breakfast. (A tall PBR). They would always come back into the house screaming at each other, then seperate their ways for the rest of the day.

No advice here, just a smile.
PS Aunt B passed away at 98 of kidney & liver failure. Grandmommy 102 Grandaddy 101, both “Natural Causes”, Grandaddy had his ashes scattered in the Atlantic where he stopped & captured a German sub in WW2. Grandmommy in the Halifax River, where she saw and draw a picture of “The Halifax Monster”, just 5 years after she was crowned Miss Daytona Beach in about 1918. Aunt B won 2 years later.

[adenure]

#1180778

Hi Rick,

I’m married with 4 children (all boys). I got Graves after I had my 4th baby and had surgery about a year ago to remove my thyroid. I’ve been on Synthroid since. Graves was the worst for me probably for 2 months. I laid in bed, cried, thought I was dying, had panic attacks, anxiety, no sleep, lost 13 lbs., headaches. I was a mess. I never dealt with rage, but my joy and love for life pretty much was gone. And I will admit that even though my Synthroid is the right dose and stable now and has been for 10 months, there is a certain bit of spark/ pep, love of life and joy that is hard to find again. It’s frustrating because I remember who I WAS before Graves as it was only under 2 years ago, and I (honestly) mourn that person. The carefree mom who could play tag with her kids, keep up with everyone, be the Energizer Bunny, and just do it all and love life kind of went “kerpluff”. I’m much better now than when I was hyperthyroid and having anxiety attacks and in bed all the time with heart palpitations. But… even though I have my health back, I’m not pre- Graves “me” and that, at times, gets me down. I do laugh and enjoy life and my family, but the road isn’t as smooth as it once was. I still have some issues with insomnia. Although I don’t have panic attacks or huge anxiety anymore, stress effects me more than it used to.

It sounds like you’re really trying to hang in there and be a great support to your wife and children. You wife is fortunate for that. I am fortunate too that my husband has been so great through all of this. I don’t know how I can say anything helpful, but that I understand that it’s hard. Even when everything is as good as it can be with Synthroid, it still isn’t always easy. So, I can imagine she is really frustrated having to change her dose all the time. Does she stay on a dose for a good 2 months and get labs before the doctor changes it on her? Maybe a different medicine might help? Tirosint is a newer medicine much like Synthroid except that it is a gel cap. Some people seem to have had success with it. I know using natural thyroid hormone like Armour or Naturethroid is controversial, but maybe after 10 years, a change of meds. might be worth a shot if she can’t get stable on normal Synthroid or levothyroxine (generic). Maybe ask about the Tirosint.

[Rickstar321]

#1180779

Thanks everyone for the support, I was really at a low point, and actually feel embarrassed that I posted all of that. It was just a really rough day.

She is seeing a specialist but refuses to ask about any “extra help” with anxiety meds. She was on the pre RAI meds for about 2 years, and on the synthroid now…

Thanks again and I will continue to lurk, and maybe occasionally vent.

I just really miss her.

[Raspberry]

#1180780

Much sympathies and hugs Rick. It is a hard road for the Gravester and those connected to them. I will say that Graves’ has seriously tested my mental health over the last year, but that even at my worst when I was fighting depression and paranoia I was still able to maintain some self-control. I do think your wife has an obligation to try to exercise some self-control as well and does have a responsibility toward you and your children. Counseling has already been suggested and sounds essential even if she won’t go it will help you and your kids.

Also like Nancy said, please consider getting another endo opinion. The most common error doctors make with thyroid patients is keeping their Free T’s too low making them hypo. The result of this is often out of control emotions as much as or more than when they were hyper. For some people, like me, hypo symptoms start when the FT4 is low but still in range. I know some docs won’t admit a patient is hypo unless the TSH is above the top of the range – nevermind the Free T’s – and many labs still keep the old ranges with upper limits of 4.5 and 5.5 which are disastrous for physical and mental well-being. My own endo says the TSH should never go above 2.0 and she’s totally right on that based on how I’ve experienced those values. I wish she’d look at the Free T’s as closely as well, but hey you can’t have everything. So anyway, another endo to review what’s happening with your wife’s medications is a good thing. Good luck to you and take care.

[snelsen]

#1180781

Rick, PLEASE continue to lurk. Please continue to vent. We are you friends and support people. Really mean that!
Some other husbands have posted here, I will try to recall who they are. THis is really, really tough for you. Might be helpful for you to copy and past the posts you’d like your daughter to see, if there are any.
Shirley

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