AzGravesGuy
Hi there IWonder,
I read your posting with profound sadness.
My untreated Graves’ made me more or less a madman. Even on methimazole, in a “subclinical hyperthyroid” state, I was an anxiety filled, uncontrollable, humorless, joyless, often evil, sometimes violent a$$h*#@. I wanted vengeance on everyone and everything that I perceived as having “wronged me”. I didn’t sleep well, blamed others for my own shortcomings, and had a few moments I can clearly define as psychotic episodes. My body was reeling from the internal inflammation…I wanted to jump out of my skin. People trying to care about me only made it worse. This is exactly why we call it “Graves’ Rage”. Mean without an overt reason.
It was completely out of character and cost me many things in life. Jobs, money, friends, loved ones.
Now that I am on the other side of Graves’, years after a total thyroidectomy and being regulated on Synthroid, I still carry immense shame, embarrassment and guilt about how I acted and treated people that truly did not deserve it, or see it coming for that matter.
While in the throes of Graves’ I also used copious amounts of marijuana. Looking back, it did not make me any better mentally. I suspect it did help with my thyroid eye disease symptoms, but that is a story for another time.
Graves’ made me hate filled, which my therapist and I have been able to get to the root of, years later. My layman’s suspicion is that there are greater demons lurking in your ex’s psyche than he let on.
Is it “normal” to act like this with Graves’? In MY experience, yes. That is no excuse though. I was a verbal abuser and very gifted at it. ( I learned from the best, my parents, lol)
If he does not follow his med protocol, he will probably see many more days/years of feeling and acting the way he does. Sad. Thankfully not your problem anymore.
The good news is that YOU got out! YOU got away! Your focus should only be on YOU from now on.
It hurts to see people we once loved devolve into hurtful, violent strangers. But trying to reason why can keep you from embracing love and happiness in the present and future.
It is normal to wonder what happened, I get that. But given the individualistic nature of manifestations of Graves’, you may never get all the answers you want.
IMHO, the best thing you can do is close that door and keep walking. Don’t look back. You made it out alive. You’re free from your abuser.
I hope I have provided enough of an answer, or at least some insight for you about Graves’ behavior to stop wondering and continue moving forward.
You deserve better in life and I am very happy you were able to escape him.
Love and respect,
Rob